PS 
\lo1 



The Dramatic PubBishing Company, Chicago. 

A MODERN ANANIAS, 

Comedy in Three Acts 

BY 
JOHN A. FRASER, Jr. 

Four male, four female characters. Two interior, one exterior scenes. 
Modern society cotumes. Plays two and one half hours. This is a screaming 
farcial comedy, which depends upon the wit and humor of its lines no less 
than upon the drollery and absurdity of its situations for the shrieks of laugh- 
ter it invariably provokes. Unlike most farcical comedies, "A Modem Ana- 
nias" has an ingeniously complicated plot, which maintains a keen dramatic 
interest untill the fall of the last curtain. The scenery, if necessary, may be 
reduced to a garden scene and an interior. Every character in the piece is full 
of comedy of the most humorous description, and one of them, a fat old maid, 
may be performed by a male somewhat after the fashion of "Charley's Aunt." 
The climaxes are hilariously funny, and each of the three acts is punctuated 
with laughs from beginning to end. Amateurs will find nothing more satis- 
factory in the whole range of the comic drama than this up-to-date comedy- 
farce by J. A. Fraser, Jr. The fullest stage directions accompany the book, 
including all the "crosses" and positions, pictures, etc. Price, 25 cents. 



'TWIXT LOVE AND MONEY, 

Comedy Drama in Four Acts 

BY 
JOHN A. FRASER, Jr. 

Eight male, three female characters. Plays two and one-half hours. Three 
interior scenes. Costumes of the day. This charming domestic comedy drama 
of the present day bids fair to rival, both with professionals and amateurs, the 
success of "Hazel Kirke." The scene is laid in a little village on the coast of 
Maine, and the action is replete with dramatic situations which "play them- 
selves." The story is intensely interesting and, in these days of Frenchy adap- 
tations and "problem" plays, delightfully pure; while the moral— that love 
brings more happiness than does money— is plainly pointed without a single 
line of preaching. No such romatic interest has been built up around a simple 
country heroines since the production of "Hazel Kirke" and "May Blossom" 
years ago. The play is in four acts, and as the scenery is easy to manage it is 
particularly well adapted for the use of amateurs. There are three female 
parts, two of them comic characters, and eight males, two of whom supply the 
comedy. The dressing is all modern and the piece forms a full evening's en- 
tertainment. The author, J. A. Fraser, Jr., has been highly successfol as a 
dramatist for the professional stage, having written. "The Noble Outcast" 
"Edelweiss." "The Merry Cobbler." The Train Wreckers," "A Delicate 
Question." "A Modern Ananias." "Becky Bliss, the Circus Girl," and many 
other well-known and successful plays. "Twixt Love and Money" has been 
carefully revised by the author for the amateur stage. Price 25 cents. 



AUTHORS EDITION 



The Merry Cobbler 

An Original Comedy Drama 
in four acts 



rK.^ 



BY 



ERASER. Jr., 



Author of A Noble Outcast — The Train Wreckers — Kdehveiss 

— McGinty's Troubles — lyinked by I^aw — The Judg-e's 

Wife— Under an Alias — Modern Ananias — The 

New State's Attorne,y — Face to Face — 

A Delicate Question— 'Twixt 

lyove and Money — Etc. 



'tx^s-^ 



CHICAGO: 
THE DRAMATIC PUBLISHING COMPANY. 



Cast of Characters. 



'^K 



Franz rou Alteulieiui— A light-hearted cobbler. 

Morris Holmes — Ap adventurer. 

Col. Derrom — A leading lawyer. 

I. L. Findham— A detective. 

Levee Bob— i\. bad negro. 

Mike Maloiiey— A police officer. 

Stella Derroiu— The Colonel's daughter. 

Mrs. Rafterty — ^A " poor, lone w^iddy woman." 

Mrs. Holmes — An ill-usea wife and mother. 

Rosalie— The banana girl. 

Carlotta— Stella's bosom friend. 

!'? . { Little friends of the merry cobbler, 
Flossie S 

Note. Mrs. Ratferty and Gretchen, Findham and Col. Derrom, 
Bob and Malonev mav be easily doubled. 



( 



Tlays one hour, forty-five minutes. 



<i/luthor^s Edition. 

Printed from the original prompt book with all the stage 
business and relative positions of the characters, complete list 
of properties required, description of costumes etc. etc. 



Copyrighted by J. A. Fraser, Jr. A. D. 1891. 
Copyrig-hted by The Dramatic publishing Co., A, D. 1895. 



Notict 



This play may only be produced with the written permiss- 
ion of the publishers for which a fee of three dollars per per- 
formance is charged. All infringements and unauthorized per- 
fonnances will be pnts.nMited to the fullest extent of the law. 



/Z-3Zi?l 



THE MEUKV COBBLER 



Sr/iopos/s. 



Act I. The Cobbler Baron Plotlin^^' for a fortune Franz's 
birthday party— Stella meets her fate— The runaway horse- 
Franz rescues Stella, 

Act II. The plotter at vvoik— Franz as a healthy invalid— 
The babies and their bouquet— Franz's courtship— The Colon el's 
wrath — Holmes' discomfiture. 

Act III. Carlotta's party— Fiudham's tine work — Holmes 
anticipates triumph -Confronted by a wronged woman— Franz's 
stratagem— The kidnappers — ''Dot's de kind of a sauerkraut I 
am." 

Act IV. A big haul attempted— Ready fur flight— Franz 
and Stella hear secrets— Gretchen, the accuser—A villain un- 
masked—The Baron von Altemheim— Restored to a brother's 
arms — Wedding bells. 



t/l It t liar's Notes on ''The {Merry Cobbler' \ 

Had this piece been written with a special regard for the re- 
quirements of amateur players, it could not have been happier in 
its results. Rendered popular l)y Mr. John R. Cumpson, who 
has starred in the part of Franz with great success for several 
seasons, the play has gained a strong fiold upon theatre goers by 
the simplicity of its story and the strong undercurrent of heart 
interest mingled with comedy low and high, light and broad. 
There is not a pooi- part in the piece. Even the policeman who 
has only a few lines to speak is sure of two or three good laughs, 
while Franz, Findham, Bob and Mrs. Rafferty are very "fat" in 
comedy. Stella is an ingejuie part witii excellent opportunities, 
and Gretchen, though short, is certain to make a hit. The 
children's parts are easy, and from six to ten youngsters may be 
effectively introduced, with their little Kindergarten songs, in Act 
II. They will be found etTective, indeed, in every act of the play. 
Holmes is a villain who is not overdrawn and is defiant to the 
last. None of the parts are difUcult. while the stage business, 
which is fully described, and the climaxes are simple to handle 
and very effective. The part of Franz, with a good makeup and 
a fair dialect, will be found to "play itself." If Franz can sing, so 
much the better and Rosalie has an opportunity to introduce a 
daace. The scenic ettects are of the simplest description. 



THE MERRY COBBLER 



Cosi limes. 



Franz. — Act I. Knee breeclies, bluish ^rey stockiu^s, ankl 
shoes, frock c^/at of quaint cut, either dark green or blue with metal 
buttons, red or fancy vest, red handkerchief around neck, neglige 
shirt, odd looking Dutch cap with big crown, shoemaker's apron 
and blond curly wig. He must look about 18 or 20 years— clean 
shaven. This costume must look old and shabby. Act II. Same 
breeches, shoes and stockings—an old, faded dressing gown or 
smoking jacket. His right arm is in a sling. Act III. Black 
stockings and ankle shoes, black knee breeches, velveteen 
sack coat and vest, Stanley cap. For the change lie has a 
high Normandy nurse's cap, blond wig with long plaits to hang 
down the back, a short knee skirt of dark material which 
slips over his breeches, the shoes and stockings being un- 
changed; white chemise waist very full sleeves and black Swiss 
boddice. The change must be quickly made, so skirt, bod- 
dice, etc., should be made to go on in one piece with as few hooks 
or tapes as possible. Act: IV. Regulation evening drees. Morris 
Holmes.— Act I. Elegant morning dress, dark Prince Albert and 
lighttrousers, patent leather shoes, gloves. He should look about 
forty, slightly grey on the temples. Act II. The same costume 
may be worn or changed to tweed suit made if desired. Act. 
III. Regulation evening dress, silk hat and light over- coat. 
Act IV. Evening dress, silk hat, overcoat carried on arm. Col. 
Derroui.— Act. I. Business suit, slouch hat, black or grey and 
white hair, mustache and imperial, carries cane and wears 
gloves. To look about sixty and well preserved. No change 
is required in Act II unless the actor chooses. Acts III and IV. 
Evening dress. Findhaiii.— Sporty looking suit of loud check 
tweed, white or grey, plug hat with black band, red face, bald 
wig, dissipated appearance. To look about thirty, but prematurely 
bald. Costume is not changed. Bob.— Act. I. Old jeans pants, 
pink striped calico shirt, "cowfeed" straw hat, much torn, bro- 
gans, crop nigger wig. Act II. Slightly better dressed, soft felt 
hat. Act III. Overalls, blue checked jumper and red cap with 
visor. Mike Malouey.— Regulation police uniform, red gal way 
whiskers, red face. Made up very fat. Stella. -Should wear 
handsome walking costume in Acts I and II. In Act III. A 
pretty afternoon dress and in Act IV. Handsome full dress. Mrs. 
Raflferty.— Made up as an Irish woman of fifty years, fat with 
smooth red wig slicked down over forehead. She wears an apron 



C 



^\ THE MERR\' COBBLER 



1 latter acts. Oretcheu.— Act III. Very poorly clad with black 
dhawlover her head. Blond wig with long plaits similar to wig 
worn by Franz in this act. Act IV. Neat but plain dark street 
dress. No hat or bonnet. To look about twenty years. R>salie. 
Act I. Knee skirts and jaunty hat. Same in Act II. Acr 111. 
Longer skirt, anything natty and pretty will do if it is not elab- 
orate. A nice white pique or muslin with grny coloi-ed ril)bon 
and simple straw hat will do ni(;ely. Act IV. Ankle skirt quite 
in style, no hat. Rosalie should wear her hair down her back all 
through. To look about sixteen. Carlotta. — Similiar to Stella's 
costumes. Leila and Flossie.— Pinafores and little close white 
caps for Acts I. and II. Act III. A little more elaborate and Act 
IV. A little more so. 



Tropertr List. 



Act I. Cobbler's bench— rough pine bench for shoes to 
stand on — a packing case will do — a lot of old shoes, some new 
ones and one horse shoe — table for fruit stand with fruit and 
nuts on it — chair for Franz and chair for Rosalie— big rag doll 
wrapped in paper for the children — letter for Holmes— shoe witii 
heel off for Stella and another with heel on for Franz to pretend 
mending — three nickels for Franz, boxes to set out the party — 
quarter for Holmes to throw — hammer, last and nails for Franz — 
pocket book with money in it for Stella — hand mirror for Franz 
at stall — fiat slab of stone and two half cocoanut shells to produce 
noise of galloping horses — wood and metal crash for sound of 
collision. 

Act II, Small table, large table, old arm chair and two 
other chairs, old sofa — old cracked vase — two or three plates and 
wine glasses on small table upc —cards, notebook and pencil for 
Findham — small stool for Stella to sit on — white handled razor 
for Bob — bouquet for children — paper money for Holmes — ring for 
Stella — small basket with bottle of wine, fruit, etc., for Stella. 

Act III. Garden bench — two flasks for Findham— roll of 
paper money for Holmes — dagger for Gretchen— sheet of paper, 
folded, for Findham — revolver for Franz— steam boat whistle, 
gong to ring wh^n !)oat stops, two sheet iron plates and wire brush 
to beat them to ii.iilate noise of steam yacht. 

Act IV.- Portiers for c. door, table with table cover, carpet, 
arm chair, other chairs, sofa, rugs and other handsome furniture 
for an elegant set— legal documents for Colonel— newspaper and 
writing material on table — check book for Colonel -legal document 
for Gretchen— handcuifs for Holmes. 



THE hERRY COBBLER 

SCENE PL0T5 



STREET DROP IN -q"^" GROOVES. 



( 



SLANTIN& PLATFORM 



STOfiE WALL 



slT house 



6 



1^ 



CHAIftn 



ACT 1. 



IfiTtRIOR aACKINO 

' DOOR ' 



D ''^BLE I , 

QlAlft I I I I 



ACT II 



iNTERIOR 8ACK/N6 
' DOOR ' 



3«'6r 



50rA 




GARDEN DROP -q'N 6r 



TORMENTOR 



ACT III. 



INT&RIOR aACKIN6 



th: 



BOOK CAStS 



n 



ARM tHAlR 




TA8Lt 



y\CT IV 



THE MERRY COBBLER. 

ACT I. 

[Set house li. icitli steps. Cobbler's bench beloiv steps. Old 
and neiv shoes on rough bench beside it. Fruit stand Li. with 
apples, oranges., bananas, tints, etc. A stone wcdl about 5 feet 
high clear across at back witJi jilatform behind it slanting up 
from stage for children and Franz to climb over. Street back- 
ing. Chair at fruit stand and another inside door of house. 
Lively music cd rise of curtain. Rosalie disc, tending fruit stand 
u Bob enters r. i. e. 'u-histling. Stops cd fruit stand and 
handles fridt.] 



Bob. [Holding up frjiit.] How much? 

Ros. Three for a dime. [Without rising and urith evident 
contempt.] 

Bob. [Holding up orange.] How much? 

Ros. Two bits a dozen. 

Bob. Um, ah! [Feels in jjockets.] Recken 1 won't neither. 
[Laughs, 2^uts hands in jjockets and exits r. u. e. ichistling.] 

Ros. [Jumping up.] Sassy nigger. [Looking after Bob.] He 
wouldn't have dared to do that if Franz had been here. I 
wonder where he is? I haven't seen him this morning. [Buss. 
of dusting and ari'anging fruit.] 

Holmes. [Enters r. u. e. ivith Bob, turns at entrcmce.] See 
that you remain within call, for if you're not on hand when I 
want you I'll break every bone in your black hide. 

Bob. Yes sah, I'll sho'ly be heah, sah. 

Holmes. You'd better. [Exit Bob, Holmes comes down. 
Aside.] Deuced pretty girl. [Aloud.] Good morning, my dear. 

Ros. I'm not your dear. 1 wouldn't be your dear for a 
hundred dollars. I know you Mr. Holmes and nothing whatever 
to your credit. Bzip! [Making a dart at him.] Don't touch me, 

7 



8 THE MERRY COBBLER 

I'm dangerous. [Exit into store.] 

Holmes. The little spit-fire. Ah, well— she's an exception to 
the general rule, that's all. [Strolls leisurely dotcn.] 

Derrom. [Enters r. i. e.] Good morning, Morris, good morn- 
ing. 

Holmes. Good morning, Colonel, howdy? [Slal-ing hayuU.] 
Just on my way to your office. 

Derrom. What can I do for you? 

Holmes, I want your advice in a rather peculiar cane. [Down 

I.. C.J 

Derrom. Nothing I delight in so much as peculiar cases. 
What is it? 

Holmes. Well, as I told you when 1 first met you and your 
charming family, I am a widower, While traveling in Germany 
some years ago I fell madly in love with a girl, Gretchen Alten- 
heim, who was the favorite niece of an old bachelor uncle and 
kept house for him. She eloped with me and we were married 
at Antwerp, immediately afterward taking passage to America. 

Derrom. Quite romantic — well, what next? 

Holmes* Our happiness, alas, was short lived, for in giving 
birth to a little daughter my poor Gretchen died and the baby 
only survived her a few hours. 

Derrom. Poor fellow. [Crosses i..] Fate was indeed a cruel 
jade in you case. But why do you tell me all this? 

Holmes* Because of this letter. [Hands letter.] Which I re- 
ceived by this morning's mail. It is from some German fnnction- 
ary and tells me that my late wife's uncle has died leaving a large 
fortune accumulated in his old age from the invention of a 
smokeless powder which was adopted by the Government. 

Derrom. I see, I see, and he has remembered your wife in his 
will. 

Holmes. On the contrary, he left no will at all and my wife, 
or her children, and her brother are (he only heirs, so my corres- 
pondent informs me. 

Derrom. And as she and her child are both dead, you fall heir 
to her share. Allow me to congratulate you. [r>. c. He is about 
to shake hands ichen Holmes stops him.] 

Holmes, [c] More than that. This brother ran away from 
home on account of the old uncle's cruelty and miserly habits, 
and unfortunately fell a victim to yellow fever before he had been 
in this country three months. 

Derrom. [Shakes hands.] Then you are the sole heir. I don't 
see anything pecuhar in this case. It is as plain as daylight. 
[Aside crossing R.] What a match he will be for my Stella. 



( 



THE MERRY COBBLER 9 

. Holmes. Not quite so plain as you think, my dear Colonel. 
The church in which our marriage was solemnized was burned 
shortly afterward and all the records were destroyed. 

Derrom. But you have your wife's wedding certiticatt? 

Holmes. No, that's just where the trouble is. Never dreaming 
of anything like this, I took no care to preserve it and haven't the 
slightest idea of where it is. 

Derrom. Ah, this is serious. In order to establish your rights 
you will be compelled to make sufficient proofs of the deaths of 
the other three parties and also establish the fact that you were 
the legal husband of the old man's niece. You'd better come up 
to the house and have dinner with me tonight when we can talk 
til is matter over at our ease. The girls will be glad to see you. 

Holmes. Thanks— I shall avail myself of your kind invitation. 
1 hope the young ladies are quite well ? 

Derrom. Especially Stella— eh, you sly rascal. [Nudges 
Holmes and dtnddes.] Well I must be off. [Shakes hands.] 
We sijall expect you. Now, if you value my good opinion — and 
Stella's don't keep us waiting. [Exit l. i. e.] 

Holmes. [Calling after jyevrom.] I'll be prompt. [Walking 
back and forth as if in thongJit.] The first step is taken. Now 
for a desperate play which if successful will make me rich. The 
situation is in my own hands if my nerve does not fail me. 
Gretchen has not been heard of for four years and proofs of her 
death will be easily trumped up. The people who take care of 
the child have not the least idea of her true name so there is little 
or no danger from that quarter. The only difficulty lies in the 
proof of my marriage. Well, I'll get that if I have to write a cer- 
tificate myself, [^.s ]te turns to go R. u. e. children are heard 
singing hack of icaJL] Hello, what is this? 

Franz. [Ajj^jears on ivalh singing and assists children 
up to top of icall one after the other. AH sing until chor'us is 
Jinished.] Veil, veil, veil. [AU laugh.] 

Holmes. [Aside.] My child. 

Fraux. [Gets over wall.] Now den — vone at a time bickause of 
you all yump togedder you make me some droubbles mit mein 
back alretty once. Now den Flossie. [She jumps and he catches 
her, kisses her and tosses her in tJie air, catches her and sets her 
doivn.] Veil, veil, veil. [Laughs.] Now den Tottie, you vas next 
ash der barber sait ven he got married de second time. [Same 
bliss.] Oliie. [Same buss.] Ah — ven you get ten years older you 
von'tyump into Franz's arm so kvick.—[Paa8e.j— you'll be eo 
heavy- den he von't let you. [Laugh.] Aeii, Leila—you vhas still 



10 THE MERRY COBBLER 

here like Humpity Dumpity oop on de vail — veil, veil, veil. 
[Laughs.] Yump. 

Leila. I'm afraid. 

Franz. Af rait mit your Lieber Pranz? Ach Himmel! Look 
cud — [Pointing.]— der Bogey man comes in front of you pack 
wards. [LeilSL gives a little scream, half laughing and jumps. 
Same buss.] Veil, veil, veil. We all vas on earth alretty vonce, 
aindit. [Children crowd around him, they join hands and 
dance around singing until Frauz humps into Holme<«.l 

Franz. Oxcuse me. — 

Holmes. Who are you? 

Franz. I vas a cobbler — yah, de merry cobbler. 

Holmes. A sherry cobbler? 

Franz. No, not a sherry cobbler — I rodder have beer. 

Holmes. [Aside.] This Dutchman seems quick vv^itted. Per- 
haps he may be useful to me. [Aloud.] Rather have beer, eh? 
Well here's the money to buy it. [Tosses coin to Franz.] 

Franz. [Does not pick up coin. Aside.] I don't like dot 
failer. He's too chenerous. I jjelieve he stole dot quarter. 
[Aloud.] Tanks I'm no Wanderbilt and I'm no beggar neider: 
When I drink I choose mein own company — yah — I mean dot. 
Come, kinder. [Begins to sing. Tiie children join hands ivithhiui 
and sing and dance down stage. Holmes makes an angry 
gesture, picks up coin and exits r. u. e. After song Franz is c.J 
Now, babies, dis is mein birt-day and I took a liddle holiday mid 
you once. I don'd vork eight hours today, nein. 

Leila. What, nine? Oh, Franz you said no decent man would 
work more than eight. 

Franz. Bet your poots, liddle vun, dot's vhot I sait und I mean 
dot. 

"Eight hours vork, eight hours play. 

Eight hours sleep, makes a perfect day." 

Dot's my sendimentals. 

Flossie. But you said you would work nine. 

Franz. Veil, veil, veil. [Laughs.] Yah, dot's a fact, I did say 
nein, aber dot means in Cherman not, neider, nicht — kein — not 
any. I don't vork today at all, not any, aber ve hafe a goot time 
togedder. How is dot? 

Children. Splendid. 

Edna. Let's jjlay "puss in the corner." You're it. [Tonchcfi 
Franz.] 

Franz. I don't play. You didn't give me a square show for 
mein vite alley — come now — ve cound oud — [Children surround 
him and he does buss, of ''counting oiit.''] 



THE MERRY COBBLER 11 

Ane gesacht, gesinder, 

Der Sheeny gebrooht der vincler; 

Alle gesoak 

Der Sheeny \ as croak 

Alle gesacht, gesindei-. 

Veil, veil, veil. I'm it anyhow. (Children Idiigli u-'iili Franz. | 
Now, den, get in your corners and vatch oud. Keep your eyes 
open. [Bass, of '•'jm^a hi tJte corner.'"] Nowdent^all oud, pussy 
vants a cracker and all such things like dot. 

Mrs. R. [Enters from house r. standing oti sfe'ps. Aside,] 
Look at that Dutchman. Look at that Dutchman. Me heart 
is scalded wid him, it is be gorra. [Crosses so that as Franz runs 
to get into corner he bumps into her and she falls. Children nni 
up to wall at back.] 

Franz, [r. c. down.] Oxcuse me. I hope you didn't proke 
your bustle. 

Mrs. R. [r. beside .^itall.] Broke my bustle is it, you villain, 
[/iises.] You've broke my heart, Bo you have. [Places hand on 
small of back as if in ]jain.] 

Franz. [Aside.] Vet a fonny vay de lady prokens her heart, 
aind it? [Goes i.. c] 

Mrs. R. [Following hint.] Why don't you go to your work, 
you lazy good for nothing thing? Sure 'twas the could day for 
me whin Dmnis look you in and learned you to cobble, so it was- 
Go on to^our work, now, and quit this lallygaggin' or be the 
powers I'll sell the bench and turn you out of doors, so I will. 
{Going toward house.] 

Franz. Dot's vhat I vant. I bin trying to git avay from you 
Mrs. Rifferty aber you don't let me gone. Now I go me oud in 
de vide, vide vorld and seek mein fortune like Chach in de been 
stalk und liddle poy blue come plow me your clairinette. [Goes 
vp iLiith mock emotion.] 

Mrs. R. Sure you don't nade to get mad about it. [Followuig 
him ux).] 

Franz. [Stops and turns.] I ain'd mad— I part from you more 
in weptness, dan in anger, Mrs. Rifferty. [Goes up a step or two.] 

Mrs. R. [Catches his coat tail.] Not Rifferty. [Pulls coat 
toward R.] Raft'erty. [Pulls coat toward i.. sivingi ng him round.] 

Franz. Dot's what I said— Rifferty. [Suddenly dragging coat 
tail out of her hands.] 

Mrs. R. Rafferty. [Stamping. Franz comes down.] 

Franz. Oxcuse me, I don'd can spoke Irish; United States 
language is all vat I can tackle at von time. Goot pye Mrs. 



12 THE MERHV COBBLER 

Pvili'erty I ueffer will eee you again till we meet on dot peautiful 
shore. [Mocli emotion, turns to go it]} stage, ('l)ildreii run etfter 
hitii at let, his InDids and coat tails.] 

Cliildrcii. Oh, Franz don't go. 

Mrs. B. Look a here Dutch— don't lave me like this and me a 
poor lone widdy. [Takes Jiis arm v. and tniiigs him dotrn.] Wiiy 
doii't you settle down and get married? 

Franz. Porztausand! Vas ist das? Kit married? Ich? 
[Makes a Ineak for i>. u. k. Mr^^^, K. eatehea Jiim and d)-ags him 
l>aek.\ 

Mrs. R. [l. c] Here, here, here — ye don't nade to be in sucjIi 
a hurry about it. Wiiat you want is a sinsible woman, Dutohy. 
that's come to the years of discretion and not some floighty shlip 
of a girl that doesn't knov* her own mind two minutes. [Pet- 
snasively.] 

Frauz. Oh! Ish dot vhat I vant? 

Mr8. R. To be sure it is, you poor ignorant immogrant. 

Frauz. Thanks. I'm so glad you told me. Because now dat 
T know vhat 1 vant, I know vhat I vant; und vhen I know vhat I 
vant, I aind so likely to get vhat I don'd vant, aind it? [Sits on 
Cobbler's bench r.] 

Mrs. R. That's talk. Now go 'long to your work and see if 
you can think of some foin woman wid a bit of property. Not too 
young nor yet not too ould, do ye moind — about me own age — 
Dutchy. [Very giddy.] 

Franz. [Aside.] Oh jiminy beeswax! Dot face voujd start a 
riot. [Aloud.] Veil, I think me about dot, aber I don't vork 
today for dis is mein birthday. 

Mrs. R. [Aside.] For heaven's sake. This is the second birth- 
day that Dutchman has had in six months. I wonder how many 
times a year he got born, [Ex. into house r.] 

FYanz. [Looking after her.] Veil, veil, veil! Of I don't skip 
oud dot old voman marries me sure. I petter elope mit meinself 
and fool her vonce, I tink me about dot too, [Ooes c. Children 
run down to him.] 

Flossy. I'm going home, Franz, I'm so hungry. 

Leila. So am I. 

Frauz. H ungry ? Now I tell you vhat. [Seaixhing in pocket.] 
I have ein, zwei, drei nickels. Come we buy something. Vhat 
vill you have? [Goes iou'ord fruit stand followed by Children.] 

Rosalie. [Enters l.] 

Flossy. Chewing gum, Tutti Frutti. 

Leila. Peanuts. 

Flossy. Banana3. 



THE MERRY COBBLER 13 

Leila. Oranges. 

Flossy. Pop corn. 

Leila. Lemonade. . 

All And candv, candy, candy, candy. [Dancing around him.] 

Franz. Stop, stop, stop. Do you tink I vas a fare pank? 

Come, ve puy someding anyhow. How you vas Rosalie? I gife 

a party today. 

Ros. A party. , • -^ i , t 

Franz. Yah, und dese young ladies vas de mwited guests. 1 

vant you to spread oud de finest party you ever spread oud in all 
your life for tree nickels. Iprowide de nickels und you do de 
rest. [GiveH money to Ros.] 

Ros. [Laughs.] Well, well, well 

Franz. Hold on— quit dot— 
Ros. Why, what's the matter Franz. 
Franz. You sait, veil, veil, veil. 

Ros. Suppose I did? ... ^ . •, 

Franz. Veil, dot's my trade mark. I get me a patent on it. 
Ros. [Giving candy, fruit, etc. to ChiUrm.] I think you're 
mighty mean about your old party, anyhow. 

Franz. You vas mistooken. Dis is a young party, aind it, 
liddle vuns? 
Children. Yes indeed. 
Ros. Well, why didn't you invite me? 

Franz. [Conducts her c. mysteriously,] I vould in a minute, 
Rosy, but Mrs. Rifferty, she gets chealous. Vhen she getschealous 
she gets mad and when she gets mad you imachine dere's a politi- 
cal ward meeting proke loose. 

Ros. She's an old terror. . -, ,^ ^, , 

Franz. Aber vhen she gets her mad up I don d vant her to 
tarry around me. She gives me de earache. 
Ros. I don't see what she has against me. 
Franz. She says you vas too giddy. 
Ros. Oh, the old thing. 

Franz. She says you vas flighty in your mind. 
Ros. Well, did you ever. 

Franz. Yah,— several times alretty vonce; aber, come along 
Rosalie. She gets mad anyway so we mights as veil have some 
fun before de oxplosion tooks place. [Franz and Ros. arrange 
sonie boxes l. and set oat fruit, seating the Children who eat 
while the specialties are going on.] 
Ros. 1 tell you what, children, this is a lovely little party. 
Franz. I told you what, Rosalie, you vos a lofely little party 
your ownself . 



ii THE MERKV COBBLER 

Eos. Tatty. I'll tell Mrs. Ratferty that and she'll get red 
headed. 

Franz. Oh. but I didnt mean dot. I vos only chokin You 
ain'd nice a liddle bit. But say Rosalie, of Riffertygets any more 
red headder as she vas now she looks like a torch light proces- 
sion. 

Ros. That head of hers would fry eggs. 

Franz. Now, den, kinder, yoost pitch in and have a goot time. 
[Here intioducc specialties if p(fssible After specialties Franz 
(Did Rosalie sit r. at cobbler's bench. Children are i.. in buncJi.] 

Leila. Our Leiher Franz is the loveliest man in the whole 
world. 

Flossy. And he hasn't had one birthday present. 

Leila. Come on girls—we'll get him one. [The VhiU\ron (til 
cross R.] Good bye, Franz. 

Cliildren. Good bye, Lieber Franz. 

Franz. Vhat? You all vas goin avay mitoiit vone kiss? Dot's 
not pecsness. [TJiey all run and kiss him.] 

Children. Good bye, Lieber Franz — good bye. [E.rif l. i. e. 
Rosalie crosses and exits l.] 

Franz. [Plaintive music] Bless deir pure liddle hearts. (Jf 
ve could only bin kinder alvays dere vould be no need of heaven 
for all the angels vould be den on earth. Oh, if mein pocket book 
was big enough and mein arms vere vide enough to shelter dem 
all— dere vould not den be vone homeless, unhappy liddle child 
in all the vide, vide vorld. [Music changes to lively, Laughter 
heard ojT R. u. e. Holmes, Stella and Carlotta enter.] 

Stella. It seems such a silly accident to have the heel come 
off one's shoe. [Thetf come down c. she has Holmes' arm.] 

Holmes. Most provoking, but fortunately it is not far to the 
livery barn and once there you can either drive home or to your 
shoemaker's and repair the damage. 

Car, Why there is a cobbler's stall now. [Motions with 
juirasol.] 

Stella. The very thing. As this is such a quiet street I'll just 
sit down and have the heel put on. 

Holmes. Oh, I don't think I'd do that, Miss Derrom. This 
cobbler is an insolent fellow— a German. 

Stella. Why, he looks like the soul of good nature. I'll try 
him anyway. [Comes down.] Could you nail the heel of my 
shoe? I caught it in a grating and wrenched it off a few minutes 
ago. [Holds out heel.] 

Franz. I tink so if I tried offul hard; ]>ut dis is my holiday, 
ladv. 



THE MEKRV COBBLER 15 

Stella. But you would oblige me bo uuich. Won't you? 

Franz. Sure, milout the slightest hesitations. I vouldn't see 
a sweet liddle foot like dot go mitout a heel, not for anytings. 
Vait, I get you a chair. 

Stella. Don't trouble, this box will do very nicely. [Franz 
(jets chair, she sits and takes off shoe]. 

Franz. [Takes off coat and Jays it before her, puts on ajjron.] 
Put your foot on dot, lady, and den you don't took cold from de 
chilly pavement. 

Stella. Thank you. 

Frauz. Vait. Maybe I have a shoe you can shlip on. [Picks 
up several men's shoes, baby sJioes, etc.] You could shlip dot on, 
aber you get lost. Plenty men's shoes, boy's shoes — horse shoes. 
[Holding up a horse sJioe, laughs.] Veil, veil, veil, I'm afraid 
I can't tit you. [Goes to work on shoe.] 

Stella. Never mind. I am very comfortable as it is. 

Car. [c. witli Holmes.] While you are having your shoe 
mended, Mr. Holmes and I will take a little stroll, if you don't 
mind, Stella. 

Stella. Not in the least, oidy don't be gone too long for my 
heart is set on trying that new horse this morning. He is such 
a lovely creature, and if he is gentle papa has i)romised to buy 
him forme. 

Holmes. Then, for ten minutes, au revoir. [Raises hat.] 

Tar. [Aside to S.j And be sure you don't fall in love with 
your lumdsome cobbler. 

Stella. What nonsense. [They luugli. H. and V, exit l. i.e.] 

Franz. Dot shoe was made in Paris, ain't it? 

Slella. Yes, I bought them when I was there, last winter. 

Franz. I vas in Paris vonce, mit mein uncle, he vas a great 
man, mein uncle, he inwented a new way to kill peoples. [Work- 
ing oit slioe.] 

Stella. Why, surely he isn't an executioner? 

Frj3i!z. Oh, no Indy. he's a Cherman chendleman. 

St< 11a. Von misunderstand. I meant his business. 

Franz. Oh, yah, lie's a skientitic. 

Strlla. X wiiat? 

Franz. Skientitic man. He's de man what inwented a new 
kind of gun powder which kills a hundred mans every lick and 
dere's so liddle smoke you can see dem all go dead pefore your 
werry eyes. Bismarck won't Imve anytings to do mit mein uncle's 
gun i)ow<^er, ho he gets mad and goes to Prance mit it. Dot's how 
I go to Paris mit mein unkel. 

Stella. It is a beautiful citv. 



16 THE MERRV COBBLER 

Franz. Yah, aber you can't eat a city Me and mein uncle ve 
nearly starved to death. At last I get so hungry I make com- 
plaintment and mein uncle vhip me, den I get me mad and run 
away to America mit a sailing wessel. 

Stella. And weren't you grieved to leave your brothers and 
sisters? 

Fraiiz. [Puts ckncn shoe enioiionally.] I had no bruder, lady. 
Aber I had a liddle schweester vonce, a peaudiful liddle schvvees- 
ter, which I loved more dan meinself. She had such lovely big 
blue eyes, and hair like sonnenschein and she vas a goot girl, lady, 
as pure in heart as de Edelweiss which blooms in de snowy Alpine 
passes. Oh, mein liebe G retch en, mein liebe G retch en. [Emo 
tioH.al.] 

Stella. And your liddle Gretchen is dead? Poor fellow! 

Franz. Yah, lady, mein liddle Gretchen is dead [Intensely, 
halting toward her ] Aber dere lives anoder Gretchen, which is 
no more my liddle schweester — which vas enticed away von her 
home by a rascal and which brought shame and sorrow on her 
old uncle and her bruder. Dot ish why I come bei America vhen 
1 run avay. Dot willain vas an American which disgraced mein 
schweester. [Raising voice. Rises dramatically.} And vone day 
vhen ve meet, by Gott, I kill him! [Pauses, overcorae ] Oxcuse 
me lady, vhen I tink about Gretchen, I forget meinself. [Drops 
into seat and covers his face ivith his hands.] 

Stella. Who was this wretch? What was he like? 

Franz. I did never see him. Moin uncle sent me to school, 
and vhile I vas avay dis all did happen. But his name ish Maurice 
Stanton, and de day I meet him, he dies. 

Stella. How is it, then, with your education that you follow 
the lowly calling of a shoemaker. 

Franz. [Hammering nails into shoe. Plaintive music] I 
tell you lady. Vhen I arrived in America I can't spake vone vord 
of United States language, and I go to Memphis. Den I come to 
Noy Orleans and vander aboud de streets, hungry and tired mit- 
out a cent and at last de man vich lived here gives me something 
to eat and a place to sleep. Veil, I am no beggar, so I try to help 
him mit de shoes and by and by he goes dead. Den his vitve tells 
me I should go on mit der peesness and so I do, to save up money 
to help me hunt down Maurice Stanton. Dere shoe is finished. 
Dot heel don't come otf again mit a hurry, I bet you. Vait, I put- 
ton him up. [Buttons her shoe. Music stops.] 

Stella. Your sad storv has interested me verv much, Mr. 

Mr. 

Franz. Yah, Mister, dot's all right. 



THE MERRY COBBLER 17 

Stella. But what, is your name? 

Fran/. Franz. Leiber Fran/.de babies call me because I play 
mid clem and dey lole me. 

Stella Well, Mr. Franz. 1 hope if you ever meet that wretcl), 
you wiu'stop short of killing him. He richly deserves sucl- a fate 
but they would hang you for it. t . , •, ,* 

Franz. [Dramatic w us ic] Lady, 1 vas so disgusted mit life 
dat I have no friends, no companion, except de children. Dey 
vould not miss me for long, so if de bullet from mein pistol ever 
finds Maurice Stanton's false heart, its twin viU find de vay to 
mine a minute later. \31uHk' ,^topH.] . 

Stella {Going v^] Nonsense, Mr. Franz, you must not give 
wiy to such morbid thoughts as these. Believe me, life is well 
worth living if we strive to be useful to otlier people. \ ou must 
rouse your ambition now that you have conquered our language 
and put your education to a l)etter use than this. How much do 
I. owe you? [Ope niiuj pocket book.] , ,, • . - 

Franz. Oxcuse me lady, not vone cent. [Bowing and steps 

back.] 7 7, 1 

Stella. But I insist. [Following him as he backs aivay.] 
Franz! Und I insist. I charge only ven I work; dis vas a 

pleasure. . i i o 

Car [Enters l. i. k. icith Holmes.] Are you ready dear .'" 
Stella. Yes it is all finished. [ToY.] As you will not accept 
nayment for this I shall call tomorrow and leave my order for a 
pair of riding boots, so good morning Mr. Franz, and many thanks. 
1 Ri> joins C. and H. cvit l. u. e.] 

Franz. [Goes up, icatches heroffsighs.] Vhat you vant isa 
voman wich has come to de years of discretion like Rifferty, bah! 
Ritferty, you vas a tarn fool. Vhat I vant is a girl like dot vone. 
[Comes doivn to stall] Franz, old feller, vhat is de matter mid 
vou'^ Has dot wicked liddle devil Cupidiiy been playin' bow and 
arrow mit your heart? Veil, veil, veil, dot's fonny peesness too 
ain't it? [Takes mirror and looks into it.] You, a cobbler, mit 
nottwo ten cent pieces to play peek-a-boo mit each other falhn 
lofe mit a high toned girl like dot? I vas ashamed of you mein- 
self. I thought you had more sensibilities. V ranz, I vas sorry 
to speak harsh to you, mein boy, but to be gandid, you vas like 
Rifferty— anoder tam fool. 

Children. [Enferi.. ^. v.. trith old rag doll ivrapped up in 

'''Leili. Couie on girls-Now Tottie, you carry it and I'll give 
it to him. 

Flossy. Awe, 1 vvitnt to give it to him. 



18 THE MERRY COBBLER 

Leila. Me too. 

Flossie. But I've known him the longest and love him the 

most. 

Leila. No you don't. I love him bigger than a street car. 

Flossie. Well, I love him bigger than a brick house, so there. 
It was mine first anyway. 

Leila. Well, we'll both give it to him. 

Franz. Hello! kinder. You come all pack again vonce? [Chil- 
dren cross to him. They stop and whisper.] 

Leila. You say it. 

Flossie. No, you say it, go on — 

Leila. We have brought a present for our Leiber Franz' birth- 
day. [Tottie hands parcel] 

Franz, Veil, veil, veil ! How did you guess it vas mein birt- 
day? hah? [Goes c. a)id sits down on stage. Children sit 
around him.] Veil now, let us look at der presentiment. [Un- 
irraps doll] Splendit. Choost the very ting I vanted. I sait 
to meinself only last night I vish dose liddle ladies should know 
tomorrow vas mein birt-day for den perhaps dey might make me 
a presentiment mit a peautiful doll. Ain't it a dandy? Look at 
de chuvenile expression in dot eyes, and dose mouth. She's a 
beaut. Dot's what. [i?/se.s'.] Veil, I tank you vone and all for 
(lis peautiful gift and I insure you dot dis is de proudest moment 
of mein existence. [Kisses all the children.] Now I tell you 
vat, ve have a little song and den I dress me up fine and we take 
der dolly to play in depark. [Song. After song clamor heard off 
L. u. E. shouts and sound of horse galloping. Hurry music] 

Franz. Stop here, kinder. [Crou'd them doicn k. in corner.] 
Dot sounds like a runavay. [Runs iqj to Ij.tj. f...] Ach Himmel! 
It is a runavay. [fl'or.se effect worked closer, cries icithout of 
''stop him,'^ ''stoj} Jiim'^ and clamor worked up. Mrs. R. enters from 
house R. Ros. enters l. They run up. Bob enters R. u. e. [All 
u-orked very quick.] Mien Gott! It is dot young lady! [Rushes 
off' I., u. E. ^4 cheer is heard off Joined by those upon stage.] 

Mrs. R. Lord preserve us. he's killed. [Runs off i.. u. e. with 
Bob.] 

Ros. He has stopped the horse and saved the lady, but he 
must be trampled to pieces. They pick him up--they are carry- 
ing him here. [Bob and Holmes carry Franz on. He is gastly 
white with blood on his face and forehead. Stella supported by 
Mrs. R. rmdCharlotta/o//o/r.s'. Tliey lay Franz down. Stella 
>^"pports his head, others form picture. Plaintive tnusic. Slow 
curtain.] 



THE MERRY COBBLER 19 

Bob. -Holmes. CharloKa. Mrs. Rafferty. 

Franz —Stella. 

Rosalie. 
Children. 

[Note. The success of l/iis vUnicw (lepemfs in a (jreat 
measure upon the noise and e.rcitement worked up off the stage, 
u-hich should last fuHy SO seconds, faint at first and growiny 
louder and loader nntil a loud crash is heard immediately after 
Franz rushes off. Then the cheer is heard. This should he 
carefidly rehearsed with the music if oossible.] 



ACT rr. 

[Sitting room at Mrs. Rafterty'vS. Table c. against flats— table 
down R. Chair on each side of table. Sofa t.. partly broken. 
No carpet. Old and much worn furniture. Mrs. R. enters at 
rise. Door l.. in flat. \ 

Mrs. R. So he's not up yet the darhn' man. [Listening at door 
K. in fiat.] I can hear him breathing. [Comes doirn a little.] 
Well, if I loiked him before, sure I'm dead stuck on 
him now and I'd capture him too if it wasn't that he's bioind 
mad in love wid Miss Derrom, forward chit that she is. [Go to 
door R. in flat and knocks, calls.] Franz— are ye roisin'? Are 
ye roisin. I say? Sure there's a gintleman to see you. 

Franz. [Without.] Veil, show him up— I bin dere directly. 

Mrs R. Sure, tis inundated he'll be wid visitors this day for 
'tis the tirst toime the docthor ud let him resave. [Goes to d. l. f. 
and opens it.] Come in sor -come in. [Follows Findham down.] 

Find. [Enters ix u. f.] Ah -the sumptuous apartments of the 
young German American hero. [Doicn c] Madam, have a card, 
you may need something in my line. [Presents card.] Detective 
work of all kinds done with neatnes.s, rapidity and secrecy. Mat- 
rimonial troubles a specialty. Don't happen to have any matri- 
monial troubles on hand just now, do you? 

Mrs. R. [ K. c. looking at card. Aside.] Tlie man ud talk a 
hole through an iron pot. Sure he has more cheek than Paddy 
Murphy's pig. [Aloud.] No I have not. But I wish to the 
Lord I had, anything is better than bein' a lonely widdy woman. 

Find. Cheer up, madam, cheer up! While there's life there's 
hope and a fine looking lady like you has but to choose her mate, 



20 THE MERRY COBBLER 

lead him to the hymeneal alter and make him her own. 
Mrs. R. Yis, lirst catch your ha re; then cook it. [Crosses l,] 
Find, [c] You are facetious, madam. I have no hair. [Raises 
hat.] I haven't enough to swear by, let alone cook. Besides, I 
object to cooked hair on principle. In the hash foundry which I 
infest, we have it served up every morning in the codfish balls. 

Mrs. R. If you'd only give your mouth a rest and your brain a 
chance, you'd see that the hair you mane and the hair I mane is 
two different koind of hairs. But I can't stop here blatherin' wit 
you all day. Sit down and take a sate till he comes. [Eocit d. 

li. F.] 

Find. Charming person, charming woman — a trifle tart per- 
haps, acid in fact, but so's a lemon, and a lemon's a darned good 
thing too — in its place. Her place is wrestling pote. [Franz enters 
D. R. F.] Ah! Goot day, goot day, Mr. Franz, 1 believe? Charmed 
to see you — allow me to assist you. [Helps liuii to chair bij table 
doivn R&] 

Frauz. Chendly, chendly, mein freund, mein body is all feet 
prints where dat horse stepped on me. Oh! Oh! [Sits.] I feel 
me like a church vindow — all pains and no putty. 

Find. [Drau's chair up.] Now to l:>egin, your name is Franz. 

Franz. Yoh— dot's me. I wish I was somebody else. 

Find. First name. [Takes out note book and pencil.] 

Franz. Franz. 

Find. Oh, Franz, Frauz. Peculiar name. Puts mein mind of 
Ylang Ylang or Schmitt Schmiddt. [Writes in note book.] Native 
of Germany? j 

Franz. No. I vas Irish. Can't you tell dot by mein accentua- 
tion ? 

Find. Ha, Ha! Good, capital . Father and mother living? 

Franz. [Rises.] Oho! I'm onto you now, Peat tie. You vas 
vone of dem newspaber fellers which interviews peoples and when 
a man says to you, "I vont say vone vord" you print half a column 
vhat he didn't say and make a monkey of him. Look at de tings 
dey had aboud me in dot pabers alretty vonce— goot bye — I meet 
you again in a hundred years, if not later. [Goes iqj.] 

Find, [FoUoivs him and bars d. r. f.] You are wrong. When 
I was younger and wickeder, I confess it with shame, I was a 
newspaper reporter. But now, now, I am a detective. 

Frauz, [Aside.] I tink dot fellers crazy. [Aloud.] So you 
was a detectif ? Yell, vhat you vant? 

Find, [Leading Franz doirn.] I am on the trail of one of the 
greatest confidence men of the age. 

Franz. You come de wrong place. Better you try next door. 



THE MERRV COBBLER 21 

[Gets away from Y.] 

Find. That man's name is 

Franz. I don't vant to know his name — I'm not liim and dot 
settles it. 

Find. But I just want to talk to you a little 

Franz. Go avay— go avay— you vill talk me to deatli. 

Find. Well, but 

Franz. I don't care a continental who you butt or what you 
butt, you old billy goat.. Only leave me alone. 

Find. Very well, young man you'll be sorry lor thin. I "vo tried 
to serve you and you wouldn't let rue. Now serve ycnirself. 
Good day. [Exit d. l. f. migrilij.] 

Franz. Good day. 

Find. [Opens door (ind sticks head in.] Good day. [Londei-.] 

Franz. Good day. [Much lander. Repeat tliis three or four 
times. Comes doivn.] Oh, go to der teufful! Chiminy beeswax. 
how sick and lonesome I feel— I vant someting, aber, I dout 
know vedder it's de pam killer oder de fool killer. [Sits in arm 
chair.] 

Mrs. R. [Enters d. t^. p.] And how are you feeling this morn- 
ing, Franz? 

Franz. I'm feeling all over bandages and arnica and feetprints. 

Mrs. R. [Comes donm r.o.] Tis a cruel bruisin' you got, but 
you're in luck to be alive. 

Franz. I vouidn't bet on it. 



Mrs, R. Oh, if you only had a woife to take care of 



ve now! 



Why don't ye make up your moind and be done wid it? 

Franz. I tell you, Mrs. Rifferty, 1 have so much mind it can't 
be made up in a hurry, but I tiuk about it sometimes. 

Mrs. R. And do I ever come into your thoughts whin you 
think, Franzy? 

Franz. [Aside.] Franzv. [Disgusted^ Oh, if I onlv had an 
ax! 

Mrs. R. What's that you say, Franzy? 

Franz. Frequently, Mrs. Rifferty, frequently. 

Mrs.R. Thin take me Franz, me darlin' man, I'm yours. 
[Kneels.] 

Franz. You come into mein head at night time in main 
dreams. 

Mrs. R, [Aside.] The dear man, he dreams about me. [Rises.] 

Franz. Yah. I have de night horses. Rifferty, you vas a 
crank- I don'd vae looking for a vife and grand modder com- 
bined. 

Mrs. R. Grandmother! Oh. ye Dutch emigrant! If it wasn't 



22 THE MEHRY COBBL.ER 

for your helpless condition, I'd scralcli your eyes out. [Going 
D. L.. F. T.j Grandmother, oh, the bliggard. [E.rit d. l. f.] 

Franz. Veil, I guess dot seddles it and I get nie iired, I go 
pack up mein bundle and prepare to move on. [LimpH to d. k. f. 
e.\:it.\ 

Mrs. R. [Without.] No sor, the Colonel isn't here yet but the 
Dutchman's in the front room if you want to see him. 

HolmeM. [Kiiockti at door and enters irith Bob. d. u f.] Not 
here. So much the better, for now 1 can tlnish what I was tell- 
ing you. 

Bob. Sholy, sah. [Theij come dotrn c. Franz opens d. k. f. 
cautiousltj.\ 

Holmes. [Sits l,. oil sofa.] From what I have learned from 
Miss Derrom, this young German is the very boy who was re- 
I^orted among the victims of yellow fever at Memphis. At any 
rate the story h.e told her tallies remarkably well with young 
Altenheim's history. [Franz is listening at d. r. f.] If he is 
Altenheim, he must be ])ut out of the way. 

Bob. [iv. c. laughs.] Why pshaw! Let me get him down 
along de levee and dey'U be a cuttin' match in full swing so 
sudden he'll nevah know how it commenced. [Draws ichite 
Itandled razor from his hip pocket.] One quick slash wid dis 
across de gem men's neck, a splash, and by de time de police get 
dar he'll l)e floating down de Mississip' vviv his froat cat. 

Franz. [Aside.] Vliat a nice places dot levee is for me — to 
keep avay from. [Ej:it door \i. v.] 

H(>imes. [6tartltd.] What was that? [Goes up a fen- steps.] 

Bob. Somebody in denaixt room, 1 reckon. [Points d. k. f.J 

Holmes. The cobbler, I suppose. Now hurry to Col. Derrom's 
ofiice with the note I gave you. 

Bob. Yes sah. 

Holmes. You're quite sure that Miss Derrom has been coming 
here? 

Bob. Dead sho'. I hung around like you told me and I see 
her myseir. Reckon she must be stuck on dis yer Dutchman. 

Franz. [Without.] Mrs. Rifferty— Oh Mrs.Rifferty. 

Holmes. Quick — clear out and I'll see what information I can 
pick out of this fellow. 

Bob. Y'es, sah. [Going d. l. f.] Oh, when I get him down on 
de levee. [Exit chuckling.] 

Franz. [Opening d. p.. f.] Mrs. Rifferty, vhy don'd you answer 

me vhen I Oh, oxcuse me— I tought you vas Rifferty. Veil, 

veil, veil. [LaugJis.] 

Holmes* She was here a few minutes ago but left me alone to 
wait for you. 



THE MEKRV CUBBEEU 23 

Fran/. Oh— dot's it. [J. imps dotru to arm cliair k.j 

Holmes. [Dotru n. c.j You seem to mend slowly after the 
accident. 

Franz. I vas so mueh broken uj> dere vas a good deal to mend. 
Oh, oh -[Sits.] 

Holmes. 1 have called to thank you for saving the life of the 
young lady 1 am engaged to and to ask you to accept this as a 
slight earnest of what I intend to do for yon when you get well. 
[Gi'res 'money.] 

Franz. [.-l8«(/<\l A slight earnest of vhat he vill do for me 
when 1 get w^ell— down by der levee. [Pauses.] Twenty dollars. 
1 buy me a gun mid dot. [Aloud.] Tanks! You're a chendel- 
man. [Aside.] I'm a liar. 

Holmes. Miss Derrom tells me you came to this country on 
l)oard the Yungfraw. 

Franz. Yah — dot's so. 

Holmes. Then, thank heaven, I have at last found the nephew 
of my old friend. Professor Altenheim. [Tries to shake hands.] 

Franz. Oxeuse me. [Puts Jiands ltehi)id. him.] You vas mis- 
tcoken. 

Holmes. What! Aren't you Franz Altenheim? 

Franz. Nein. Dot poor failer vent dead mit fever in Memphis. 
I vas mit him at de time and pooty nearly vent dead meinself. 

Holmes. Then your name is 

Franz. Pranz Dittenhopper. [Crosses l.] 

Holmes. On— I thought that your uncle was my friend Pro- 
fessor Altenheim, the chemist of Berlin. 

Franz. Veil, veil, veil. Mistakes vill happen in debest regu- 
lated families. I tell you how it vas. Poor Franz's onkel and 
meinonkel vas both chemists— dey vas chums. Dey both had a 
nephew — dot vas me and poor Franz vich vent dead, and ve vas 
chums too. 

Holmes. Oh, that was it! Then you and Pranz emigrated to- 
gether ? 

Franz. Yah— and den poor Pranz he emigrated mitout me. 
[Points upivard.] Or else — [Poiii fs downivard.] 

Holmes. [Going k. Aside.] Is the fellow lying or not? He 
seems too simple to have invented this story and besides he has 
no grounds for suspicion, [Ahnui.] Then you are able to prove 
that Franz Altenheim is dead. Will you make an affidavit? 

Franz. Alfred David. Is he a Cherman, too? 

Holmes. No, no— I mean a sworn statement that Pranz Alten- 
heim is dead. I want to send it to his uncle, the Professor, sc as 
to set his mind at rest. 



2i THE MERRY COBBLER 

FraiiE. Dot vouldn't give him no rest. He voulcln't pelieveme 
on oath. 

Holmes. Oh, yes he will! In a case like this it will be a satis- 
faction to him to know the truth. 

Franz. Oh veil, I schwear to anyting you vant.vhen I get 
better. [Sits l. on sofa.] 

Holmes. Thanks. Well, I must leave you now, Init I will call 
again. Good bye. If you need money just let me know and you 
shall have it. [Goes d. l. f. Aside.] Everything works like a 
charm and as soon as I can arrange proofs of Gretchen's death 
that will look satisfactory to the authorities, I shall marry Stella 
and start for Germany on my wedding trip and claim this fortune. 
[Exit] 

Franz. [Limjjs to u. l,. f. looks ont, cto.^ies door.] Dot failer's 
a willain. [Coining down.] I wonder vhat he's up to, anyhow? 
Vhy for does he vant me dead? I find me dis out pooty quick 
and den, bezoof ! Bzip! I knock his eye oud. [Takes arm out 
of sling, jumps, etc.] Dey tink 1 vas olful sick, but I ain't. De 
reason vat I get petter so slow is because Stella comes no more 
after I get me veil, vonce. 1 vish I neffer cotdd get veil if she 
would only come and see me every day. [Sits in arm chair r. 
Knock heard D. !..¥.] Choust vat I expected— here comes Rif- 
ferty to bounce me. [Calls. \ Come in. [Aside] Und I go out 
sure. 

Ros. [Etiters irifh Children, d. i.. f.J Oh, you poor fellow! 
How sick you look. 

Children. [Crowd around hiw, kiss him, etc.] 

Franz. Und, oh, how sick I feel! But I vas offul glad to see 
you all. 

Leila. And we are glad to see our Lieber Franz. 

Flossie. We are so sorry you are sick. 

Franz. Yah. I vas sorry meinself. 

Leila. [Runs to door and returns with big bouquet of weeds, 
leaves, etc.] 

Ros. The children have been wild to see you, but Mrs. Rafferty 
declared you were nearly dead nnd wouldn't let us in till today. 
The old dragon. 

Leila. But this morning we all went out to the park and 
Ijicked this bouquet for you. [Gives fiim bouquet.] 

Flossie. They are mostly weeds, but they were the best we 
could get. You donl mind, do you Franz? 

Franz, [c. with Children amund Jtini.] Mind! Gott pless 
your dear liddle hearts! Sooner I would have dot bowcue, picked 
mit your lovely liddle hands, dan de most peaudiful roses dat 



THE MERRY COBBLER 25 

ever decked a royal reception room. I tink it's lofely and 1 tink 
you vas the loveliest babies in the world. Veil, vhat you bin 
doin' since I bin sick? [Gives bouquet to Ros. who jmts it in vase 
on table c] 

Ros. Oh, they've played around the fruit stand and I've been 
giving them dancing lessons. 

Franz. So! I must see dem dance once. 

Flossie. We've learned some new songs too. 

Ros. Oh, but we musn't dance or make a noise here. It might 
l>e bad for Franz. 

Franz. Vail, I run my chances on dot — come babies, you come 
and sit mit Franz while Rosalie gives an imitation of dot Quaker 
girl which goes dancing crazy when she hears music. [Children 
(/(/ K. and group around Franz. Rosalie //«>i(/.s- her head and 
does bashful buss. These lines are omitted if Ros. does not 
dance Or a song for Franz, Rosalie </»*(? the ChiMren 'tnay be 
int roil need, after ivhieh Rosalie and Children exit. Doovl,. f.] 

Mrs R. [Enters 1^. L. F.] Ohyoi'rehere,areye? Well, there's 
a wumin to see you. [Remains at doof.] 

Franz. [Aside.] I pet it's der wash lady and I haven't a cent. 
[Pause.] Aber I have, though. [Takes money from pocket.] 
Mein gracous— I nearly did forget dose twenty dollars. [Aloiid.] 
Send her up. [Sits in arm chair r.] 

Mrs. R. And a brazen piece she is to go runnin' after a man 
every dny in the week. Sure, I'll run after no man if I niver get 
married. [E.vit d. Ij. f.] 

Franz. I vish she'd quit chasin' me. Now for de vash lady. 

Stella. [Enters d. t.. f. She has small basket in ha7id.] 

Franz. [\V ithout turning hik head.] Veil, I hope you found 
dot stocking and mein odder hankerchief. Dis pessness of tryin' 
to get on mit vone hankerchief a veek is played out. Have you 
change for a twenty? [Holds out note.] Veil, are you dumb? 
[Turns and sees Stella. Rises.] 

Stella. [LangJiS. Comes down l. c] Why, Franz — did you 
take me for your washwoman? [Laughs and goes up.] 

Franz. Don't laugh— Miss Derrom— I vas so ashamed mit 
meinself I don't know what to do— Oh! I'm a chump — a chackass 
- a mool — you ought to get mad vonce and gone avay. 

Stella. [Puttirig basket on table up c] Why Franz, you did 
nothing to make me angry — you could not anger me by anything 
}ou n^ight do. [Coming down.] 

Franz. I tink I could and may bo I try sometime. 

Stella. You may try, but you will not succeed. You saved my 
life at the risk of your own when scores of other men shrank 



26 THE MERRY COBBLER 

from the maddened horse in terror — when Morris Hohnes, my 
affianced husband, sought his own safety by leaping from the 
vehicle and left me to my fate. 

Franz. Oh — dot vas notting^ — notting at all. De next tmie 
you vant a runaway stopped, yoost send for me. [Sits in arm 
chair r.] 

Stella. You always make light of what you do, but I do not. 
Well, how are we today? [Goes to table, Inings grapea, etc. from 
basket.] 

Franz. Dis end of de combination is sorry to say he feels much 
better. 

Stella. Peel much better and are sorry for it? 

Franz. Yah— dot's funny aint it? 

Stella. Very odd— I don't understand it at all, 

Franz. Veil, I oxplain. No, I better not — you get mad. 

Stella. Indeed I'll not. [Comes doivn.] But come, have some 
of these grapes and a glass of wine. It will do you good. [Offers 
them to him, r. c] 

Franz, Oh, vhy can't I be sick forever and ever, amen? 

Stella. Why, what odd things you are saying today! Why 
should you wish that? 

Franz. Oh, veil — because — 

Stella. Because what? 

Franz. You don't get mad? 

Stella. I promise not to. 

Franz. So help you, Chimy Chonson? 

Stella. [Laughs.] Upon my word. 

Franz. Say, did it look like rain when you come in ? 

Stella. Not a bit. [Aside.] Oh, how provoking he is. [A/ouct.] 
Come now tell me why you don't want to get well. 

Franz. Oh, I don't like to. You'll get your mad up surn. 

Stella. No I wont. Now tell me. 

Franz. Veil— veil— oh say — Holmes was here today. 

Stella. Oh, bother Mr, Holmes! I hate him. 

Franz. Chiminy beeswax — vhat a nice wife you'll make him! 

Stella. I won't. I'll not be his wife at all. Papa forced me 
into this hateful engagement but I'll break it off. I'll never marry 
him. 

Franz. [Rises.] Oho~o o! [IVitJi long dravn rising and 
falling inflexion.] 

Stella. Now if you don't tell me this minute why you don't 
want to get well I'll go right straight home and never come back. 

Franz. Dot's the reason. Yon guessed it in de first flop out 
of de box. 



THE MERRY COBBLER 27 

Stella* . You seem cletermined not to tell nie. 

Franz. [With pathos.] Why for should I'; Yon \i)U\ me. 
Vhen I get veil you go away and I never neo you any more, be- 
cause you are a grand lady and I— \ Pan se.j—Rm only a poor cob- 
l)ler. [Bends over arm chair with his hack to audience.] 

Stella. Franz. [Touches him on shoulder.] Franz -you iiuKst 
not think so meanly of me ns that— I owe you a debt that nothing 
can repay- I will -always be glad — to ^ee \o\\ [Goes \.. aside.] 
Beware little girl— beware— you are getting into very deep water - a 
little more and you would have been carried ott" your feet that 
time. 

Fraiiz. I don't know if I always will be glad to see you. 

Stella. You are very contradictory. Why not? 

Franz. I'm scared.— I had a schweetheart vonce in Chennany. 
Dot's de reason. 

Stella. Oh! You had. [Tossing her Jiead angrily.] 

Franz. I told you I make you mad vonce. Vhat you get mad 
about? 

Stella. Because 



Franz. Because vhat? 

Stella. Because you never told me before. 

Franz. You never gave me de chance. But come — ve talk 
about Bometings else! De babies vas here today and Rosalie. 
Oh! dey looked splendid and brought me dot lofely bocwue. Dey 
made it demselves. Yah. 

Stella. The dear little soulds. That just reminds me, Miss 
Lemoine wants you to bring them all to her house on the river as 
BOon as you get well enough. Do you think their mothers will 
let them come? 

Franz. Dey ought to. I've been actin' as deputy nurse girl to de 
crowd long enough. 

Stella. Then I'll let you know what day she appoints. .Yo/r 
Franz, I want yon to sing me one. song and then I must go. 

Franz. J'ZZ sing yon a new vo7ie vat you never heard before. 
Vhat a strange tings is society— ain it? [She gets a loir stool at 
his feet.] 

Stella. A very strange thing. It puts up barriers between 
people sometimes which separate them almost as effectually as 
death itself. 

Franz. Yah — it was like a sea mitout a boat — like a river mit- 
out a bridge. 

[Song, ^'Across the Sea."] 

[After song Stella is weeping. He pauses and looks at her. 
The lines in Italics are not spoken when song is omitted.] 



li*^ THE MEKKV COIiBLEK 

Franz. Vhy, Miss Derroiu— vhat isli «ler matter".' .Vas ist? 
Stella- tell me. Vhat makes you cry? 

Stella. [Sobbing.] Vou-- you were — thinking,'' about— about 
your svveetlieart in — Germany. [Goes l. c] 

Fraiiz. [Fo/loiriny her.] You vas mistooken — it vas about a 
social sea which stretches so far between me and de only woman 
wliich lives in mein heart — So far, far avay it stretches dat if I 
should holdout mein hands she vould not see dem- -if 1 shouM 
say "I love yon — [ love you" she dare not hear. 

Stella. But if she (]id see — and if she did hear, Pranz? 

Franz. Aber she does not; she never vili. 

Stella. She does — she does. [He puts his left arm annitnl 
hei:\ 

Franz. Mein gracious! How did all dis happen? Maybe you 
better use de odder arm loo. [Talces arm r. out of sling and 
/luls if around her (dso.] Vou mi<2rht fall and hurt yourself. 

Stella. \Vhy, I thought your shoulder was so terriV)ly sprained. 
I Thiui cross K.] 

Franz. So it vas — a liddle. I make believe to be worse dan 1 
am so you wouldn't quit comin' so quick. 

Stella. Oh, you fraud! 

Holmes and Col. Enter quietly n. r.. k. Mrs. lR,follo2vs theiu. 
Mtisic, J), p.] 

Franz. Aber you seem to like me pretty veil. [Kisses her.] 

Holmes. There, Colonel — you see for yourself. 

Col. [UjJ (.'.] What is the meaning of this, Stella, that I find 
you, a Derrom, in the arms of this cobbler? [Comes down.] 

Stella. [Doivn r. c] Cobbler, he may be, father, but he is a 
gentleman and a brave man and I love him. 

Holmes. [Coming down.] So, Miss Derrom, you stand there 
with my engagement ring flashing on upon your flnger and have 
the hardihood to confess your love for this low fellow to my very 
face. [l. c] 

Stella. [Takes off ring and throws it at him.] Take your 
hateful ring and your freedom with it, Mr. Holmes, but do not 
dare again to insult the man whose gallant bravery showed you 
to be the poltroon and coward that you are. [Drops down 
to R. corner.] 

Holmes. [Music f. In a rage.] You are a woman and may 

insult me with impunity. [To Franz.] But as for you, I'll 

[Takes a step toirards Franz threatening.] 

Franz. Stop where you are — you forgot dat dis room is mein 
house, I order vou to leave it. [Points to door, picture. Music. 

n 



THE MERRY COBBLER 29 

( 'iirhun. 

{Second ju'ctu re. Franz /// (iniieliair r. with arms iwer table and 
heiid resting on anns. Holmos iqj at door l. f. with arm around 
Stella as if drayyiny her nff. She is turned looking b'^ck at 
Fraiiz. Col, vj^ siayejKyintiny to door as if ordering her off^^ 



ACT \U. 

[Garden scene. Bencli don-n h. Set as ela bo redely as possible. 
At rise Stella and ('arlotta enter l. u. e. and come down to 
bench k.i 

Stella. [S^jeaks as she enters.] It is goiiif,' to be a lovely even- 
ing for your party, dear. 

Carlotta. Charming. Now I wonder whether I have forgotten 
anything? Let me see! The sandwiches, ice cream, candy, fruit, 
music, yes, everything is ready and we only wait the return of 
the yacht. 

Stella. It was so kind of you, dear, to give the children a 
happy evening. [Sets on bench r.] 

Cliarlotta. [LaugJis.] Yes — and you another opportunity to 
see Franz. By the way, mama insisted on inviting Mr. Holmes, 
what will you do? 

Stella. Ignore him, my dear, as usual. It appears that he has 
fallen heir to an enormous fortune in Germany, and that is the 
reason papa insists on my marrying him, but I wouldn't be his 
wife — no, not if he were as rich as the lottery company. 

Cliarlotta. There. I knew I had forgotten something! 

Stella. What is it? 

riiarlotta. Flowers for the supper table. Come, we will just 
liave time to arrange them before they arrive. [Exit r. i. e.] 

Holmes. [Enters witlt Fiiuliiam, k. u. e.] This news is im- 
portant, if true. 

Find. (c. He shows that lie has been driiikiny.] If true! Oii 
Lord! The idea of J. L. Fiudham, the fox, the ferret, the sit-up- 
all-night-we-never-sleep private detective, making an error or 
turning in a faked report. Mr. Holmes, you have done me wrong, 
h'w. My professional })ride is touched on the raw and my sensi- 
tive feelings are lascerated. Allow me to present an itemized 
bill to date and respectively witiidraw from the case. [Hands 
paper.] 

Holme.s. [i.. C.J Don't be an ass. [Refuses paper.] 



30 THE MERRY COBBLER 

Now lei us see what there is in this. What does the woman call 
herself? 

Find. Mrs. Maurice Stanton. 

Holmes. How do you know this? 

Find. Because she applied to my landlady for work. I was in 
the next room and the moment I heard her speak that name I 
^'lued my ear to the keyhole. 

Holmes. What else did you learn? 

Find. That she has traced her child from New York to 
New Orleans and is now compelled by lack of funds to 
drop the search for a time. 

Holmes. This is bad, very bad. My friend Stanton is away 
from the city at present and I don't know how to communicate 
with him. It is of the utmost importance to keep the child out 
of the mother'.s clutches till the divorce case is tried and he is 
given legal custody. Confound it, I don't know what to do. 
[Rises.] 

Find. [Going l.] Don't say a word — don't breathe— my think 
tank is beginning to evolve the solution. I have it. [Turns.] 
Send her some place else before the mother finds her. What's 
the matter with that? 

Holmes, [c] Everything. To begin with, the people who 
nre caring for her don't know me and wouldn't give her up with- 
out a written order from Stanton — perhaps not then. 

Find. [l. c] Steal her — kidnap her — abduct her — run her 
off. 

Holmes. Your think tank, as you call it, has evolved. That is 
precisely the idea. 

Find. Great scheme, great head. Here's success to the 
scheme, have a nip? [Takes flask from hip pocket.] 

Holmes. Thanks I never touch liquor. 

Find. That's right. Its an awful curse. [Drinlis.] 

Holmes. It can be done tonight quite easily. She is one of 
the youngsters who is coming here with our cobbler friend. 
Black Bob has secured the job of running Lemoine's yacht and is 
to bring the party up here from the city. I will give him the tip 
to keep steam uy> and you watch your opportunity to get the 
child on board and carry her off as soon as it grows dark. 

Find. Excuse me. You watch your opportunity to get the 
child oft board and carry her off. I don't mind laying the plan, 
but object to turning the trick myself. It's too risky. 

Holmes. Nonsense! There is no risk in it at all. Who is 
there to make trouble? Not the mother, for she doesn't know 
where the child is and has no money to find her if she did. Cer- 



THE MERRV Ci^BRLER 31 

there to make trouble? Not the mother, for .she doesn't know 
where tlie ohihl is and has no moliey to find her if she did. Cer- 
tainly not Stanton, and the people she lives with will be quieted 
!)y a letter from liim as soon as I can reacli him. [Sits r.] 

Find. You've forgotten the cobbler. He's fond of the kid and 
will raise tiie devil the minute she's missed. 

Holmes. He can't do anything. You know just as well as I 
do that the police don't loose any sleep if there's nothing in it for 
them; and he hasn't a cent. 

Find. How about piracy? Running away with a vessel. 
Don't you know the penalty for piracy? They hang you by the 
neck from a yard arm till you are dead, dead, dead- three times. 
Then you are generally defunct. Oh, I'm no pirate. [Goes i^.J 

Holmes. [Riin's (ind n-o.sses t(ph\\ That's all right. Lomoiue 
is a friend of mine, in fact he and Derrom are interested in one 
of my mining enterprises. I'll explain matters after all is over 
and he will make no trouble. But this iw the best argument 
after all. [Tt/kes out ml] nf ntouei/.] 10, "iO, 40, GO, 80, ^00, and 
here's another hundred to kee]i it company. 

Find. [Taking nioncjj.] 'i our logic i.s unanswerable. I shall 
enter in my tinanciai report for tonight. "Business is. picking up 
and money easier. Pru-e of kids advanced with a rush to ^12(H) 
cash." [Puts nioiK'i/ in /Kx-kct. Takes out flask a ml (lrinks.\ 
1 shall also reniaik that v\iiit-key has gone dow n. 

Holmes. See that it doesn't go down too often, for you will 
need a clear head tonight. [Going up iritli F. to i.. v. k.] Now 
that is settled and you'd better comeback here as soon as it grows 
dark. Above all things, don't make yourself conspicious. 

Find. Mr Holmes, you are once more wrong. The best thing 
I can do is to make luvself extremely cons])icuous — bv my absence. 
l/-;,r/Yi,. . ;...:. I 

Holmes. [(UihiiiKj iioini.] So Gretchen has turned up again 
almost in lime to spoil ni} i)laii. But forewarned is forearmed, 
a id knowing that she is here, i shall make myself scarce at once. 
<) ', well, it will only liurry matters, that's all. I must get the 
I. lining st.ock unloaded on Lemoine and Derrom at the best price 
1 iiey will give and start for Germany at once. Now I'd betterpay 
my respects to madam. \Ej'it k. i. k. 1 

Find. [Hc-<iil<'rs 1. r. i;. looks about.] Oh. he's gone. Tlie 
chump never toid me wliere he wanted the kid taken to. I'd 
better wait liere till I see him. [Sits h. Takes out inonei/ and 
c'ouiif:< if I Correct -he didn't even try to pinch a note or give 
nie the double cross. [Takes out flask.] He's a gentleman and 
here's his health. [Drinks, Holds flask ujyside dou-ii.] Empty 



32 THE MERRY COBBLER 

is the [hie] cradle. I've got to get that tilled. I never travel 
without a little drop in case of [hie] sickness. I'll see him later 
and find out where he [hie] wants me to take the kid. [Goes l.. u. 
E. singing.] ''Where are you going to my little maid?" 

^'Where are you going my little maid?'" 

'"Darned if I know," kind sir she said, [hie] Neither do— do I. 
[Stella and Car. enter k. i. e. and watch him. He turns at 
entrance, straightens up, raises hat.] Excuse me— [hie . ] Didn't 
know there were ladies present. Good evening. [Exits l. u. e.] 

Car. 1 wonder what that man was doing in our houee'r 

Stella. Oh, never mind him. But let's see if the boat is coming. 
[They go up and look o^/Tr.] 

Car. I hope no accident has happened. I don't like that new 
engineer — a colored boy whom papa engaged on Mr. Holmes* 
recommendation and I don't trust him. 

Stella. [Coming doivn ivith Carlotta.] Why, what do you 
dislike about him? 

Car. The mere fact that Holmes got him the place is enough 
to make me hate him. [Distant steamboat wldstle heard off r.] 

Stella. Hark— what is that? 

Car. They are coming. [They look off r.] 

Stella. Yes, there she comes around the bend. [They wave 
handkerehiefs.] They see us, look, there is Franz in the bow 
waving his handkerchief to us. [Distant singing heard off k. 
and noise of tug. Singing comes nearer, wliistle heard close.] 

Franz. [Enters icith Rosalie and Children, r.u.e. all singing.] 
Veil veil, veil — Dese kids vas pretty near gone crazy mit der 
steamboat. [They come down, Children sit on bench r. 2vith 
Rosalie. 

Car. [l. c. To Stella c] Oh what a dreadful thing it is to be 
in love. [Bob enters r. u. e. carries wraps, etc.] 

Car. Did the Grace act properly, Bob? [Takes wraps from 
liim.] 

Bob. Sho'ly Missy. She's a peach, dat's what she is. I'll just 
go and bank my lire. [Exit r. u. e.] 

Franz. [Takes parcel from Charlotta.] Yah, dot's mein, 
Danke schon. I take care of him. [E^vit l. u. e.] 

Car. [Aside to Stella.] I know you are just dying to be alone 
with him for a few minutes, so I'll take the children and Rosalie 
and present them to mama. You can follow with Franz, but 
don't stop too long. [Franz re-enters.] 

Stella. [Aside to Car.] You're an angel, Lotta, and I'll do as 
much for you some day, 

Franz, [c] Vas is dis? Secrets? Come, tell me. Ladies' 



THE MERRY COBBLER 33 

secrets vas alvays made to be told. 

Car. You will tind this one out for yourself in a few minutes 
Come children. [Children join he7\] 
Ros. [r.] Am I one of the children or one of the folks^ 
Franz. You have a child's ticket, Rosalie, goot for dis trip 
only. 

Ros. Well, you're traveling on your face and the conductor 
ought to punch it. [Goes ivith Cliarlotta and Children ton i e 1 
Leila, [Hanging back.] But we want Franz to go too 
Franz. Oh, go vay, Leila, you can't oxpect to bin tied to Franz's 
apron string all de time. Scoot along now. 1 choin you later 
Flossie. Well, don't be long. 
Leila. No, don't be a minute. 

Franz. I von't be a second— [^s/de.]— quicker dan I can heln 
[Car. Ros. and Children exit, r. i. e.] Veil. * 

Stella. Well. 

Franz. Is dis mein welcome vhen I haven't seen you for a 
veek? 
Stella. Well, I haven't seen you for a week, either. 
Franz. Hah? How is dot? I haven't seen you for a week 
and you haven't seen me for a veek— mein gracious! Ve haven't 
seen each odder for two weeks, aint it? How you vas? [Shakes 
hands.] 

Stella. I am very glad to see you. What more could you 
ask? 

Franz. Several tings— I show you. [Throivs dotvnparcen 
One, two, three. [Holds arms ojjen, catches and kisses her' 
You're "it." 
Stella. That's a queer game. 

Franz. You like him? We try him again and I'll be "it" next 
time. One, two, three— [.S7k^ tm'ns away].~\hy~yo\i don't play? 
Who's de reason? 
Stella. I am worried. [Sits r.] 

Franz. Oh, about dot nice ole chendleman, your fadder. How 
«■« the old duck anyvay? 

Stella. Still angry and trying to force me to marry that wretch 
Holmes. " ' 

Franz. Aber you von't and he von't vant you to, needer, vhen 
I find me out a liddle more. 
Stella. Why, have you discovered anything new? 
Franz. Veil, I should say ! You know dot newspaper feller 
vich vants to print some lies aboud me in de papers and says he 
is a detective? 
Stella. You told me about him. 



34 THE MERRY COBBLER 

Franz. He's a willain. He's a freund mit Holmes. 

Stella. How did you find t b is on t 't 

Franz. I skin main eyes and see liim hanging round. Den I 
follows der detectif and by chimney he meets Holmes on de corner 
and goes in a saloon mit him. Dey gits acquainted mit each 
udder rightavay quick. 

Stella. They h.-id an appointment. 

Franz. No, dey only had beer. Der detectif paid for it and I 
guess he vent broke. Vou know dot black and tan vich runs der 
steam boat? 

Stella. You mean Bob? 

Franz. Yah, dot's de prize peaudy vich vants to tade me valk- 
it)g on de levee mit a white handled razor. Oh, I'd like to shoot 
ciiips mit him— much not. 

Stella. Why, Holmes got him his place with Mr. Lemoine. 

Franz. [Wliisiles.] Vhat have I struck? A picnic! 

Stella. And Mrs. Lemoine has invited Holmes here this even- 
ing. 

Franz. Veil, if der detectif turns up it makes a nice tree of a 
Itind to draw to. 

Stella. I wisli I could rtnd out just what Holmes is trying to 

do. 

Franz. I find me out tonight and den I tell you. 

Stella. I hope you will. But, dear me, we have been here too 
long now. [i?/6't'8.] I must take you to be introduced to Mrs 
Lemoine, our hostess. Which way shall we go, the long or the 
short way? 

Franz. Better ve go de long vay, ve get dere sooner. De 
broken bridge is always on de short cut. [Eci^it r. i. e.] 

Huhnes. [Eiitern r. 2 e.| I wonder where that nigger is? 
[Calls] Bob -Oh, Bob. 

Bob. [0#R. u. E.] Yes sah. Comin' sah. [Enters.] 

Holmes. How is your steam? 

Bob. Just banked de fire, sah. 

Holmes. Then you'd better unbank it as quick as you know 
how. You've got to keep steam up and be ready to start at a 
moment's notice. 

Bob. Where fo' sah? 

Holmes. Anyvs^here away from New Orleans.— Hades, if you 
like. 

Bob. Hades? Whah is dat town, sah? I nevah heard tell of 
it — nevah. 

Holmes. You'll get there bye and bye just the same. There's 
a child here, that little Leila, who will be the better for a change 



THE MERRY COBBLER 35 

of air. Findham will bring her on board after dark and you 
must be ready to cast oif and run like a streak of light the 
moment he does so. 

Bob. What'll de boss say? 

Holmes. Never you mind the boss, you mind me or it wiii be 
the worse for you. If you begin disputing my orders I'll give 
you away to the police and you'll be a gone coon sure. 

Bol). Oh, I wasn't sputin no orders, Master Holmes. 

Holmes. I thought you objected to taking the boat. 

Bob. Deed no, sah. You keep me out of de penitentiary at 
IJaton Rouge and I'll steal de hull Vicksburg line if you say bo~ 
deed I will. 

Holmes. That's all right, you know which side of your bread 
is buttered. 

Bob. Reckon I does, sah. [Exit l. e. u. chuckling.] 

Holmes. Confound that Findham — why doesn't he come. 
[Ooes up.] 

Franz. [Appears r. l. e. Aside.] Ah, here he vas alretty 
vonce. Now I vatch him. [ Watches unseen.] 

Holmes. [Calls.] Bob, Oh, Bob. 

Bob. [Off R. u. E.] Yes sah, I's coming sah. [Re-enters.] 

Holmes. Have you seen anything of Findham? [They come 
i/oivn.] 

Bob. No, sah. I haint seen hide nor hair of Mistah Find- 
ham, sah. 

Franz. [As soon as Bob and Holmes are down stage sneaks 
across and hides behind set tree. Aside.] Findham, dot's der 
detectif and he can't find him. [Exit l. 2 e.] 

Holmes, [c] I can't understand what can have become of 
liim. 

Bob. [l. c] I'll never tell you. 

Holmes. There is no time to lose. Leila must be out of New 
Orleans tomorrow night, for every minute she stays here is a 
menace to my plans. If Findham has got drunk, and I guess 
that's what's the matter, we will have to carry this thing through 
by ourselves. 

Bob. Yes sail. 

Holmes. I don't wish to be mixed up in the transaction any- 
way so you must be on the alert. I will place the child in the 
boat and you can carry her off by yourself. 

Bob. Anything you say goes, boss. 

Holmes. Now go back to the boat and don't fall asleep. Is 
steam up? 

Bob. It will be in a minute, sah. [Ooes r. u. e. as Find, enters 



3G THE MERRY COBBLER 

iv. u. K.] Heah's de gemman now, sah. [Exit.] 

Find. [Aside. Hie] He's mad. I can see it by the expres- 
sion of his neck. Brace up, Picey, and have some style about you. 
[Braces up to come down as Holmes turns, then walks qvich'ln 
doirn.] 

Holiue^ Well, what do you mean by this? 

jFiiKl. steadying himself at garden seat r.] Mean by what? 

Holmes. Making a beast of yourself as you have done when 
you have important work on hand. 

Flml. For the second time today you lacerate my professional 
feelings with a nv)st [hic^^ a most unjust suspicion. I assure you 
on the word of an honorable private detective it is the water [hie] 
the rascally water that's to blame. 

Holmes. Water, you drunken fool; what has that got to do 
with It? 

Fiml. Now don't get mad, I'll be all right in a few minutes, 
my jag always catches me in waves like this. The fact is, the 
water about here isn't fit to drink, so I was obliged to take some- 
thing in it to [hie] to kill the malaria. 

Holmes. Well, you are of no use here, and you'tl better go 
home. 

Find. There's no train. 

Holmes. Go to a hotel. 

Fiml. There's only one, and it's fuller'n I am. 

Holmes. Oh, go to the devil. 

Fiml, Don't believe in him. [H.ic.\ I read Bob Ingersoll. 
Now don't make any mistake— I'll be all right in a few minutes 
and I've only got enough on board to give me nerve for the job. 
I'll carry out my contract, don't you fret. 

Holmes. No, I can't trust you. You have that infernal tiask 
and I suppose it is loaded to the muzzle. Give it to me and then 
I'll be sure of your not growing worse instead of better. Give it 
to me this minute. [Drags him c] Hand it over. 

Fiml. See here, Holmes, there's only one man living who can 
look at me in that tone of voice. 

Holmes. There is eh! And who is he? 

Find. [Meekly.] You. Sir. [Hands flask to H.J Have you 
your life insured? 

Holmes. No. Why? 

Find. You'd better before you tackle that. [Crosses l.J Now 
where am I to take the kid when I get her? 

Holmes. Any place you like, only wire me where you are and 
wait for instructions. Now, no more foolishness. 



THE MERRY COBBLER 37 

Find. Won't you give me enough of that dynamite to clear 
my throat? 

Holmes. Not one dro[). I'll ^ive this to Bob to keep for you 
till you are safely on \our way. 

Find. To iiob! lo Bob? [Goes to Holmes raisefi his hand 
and l-is<;('s fhis/r.\ Ta, ta. farewell — I shall never see thee more, 
alas. 

Holmes. Now keej) out of sight till they come down here, 
When they do, vatcli for a favorable chance to get hold of the 
child. Bob has his instructions and will be ready to cast off the 
moment you are on board. [Goes r. u. e.] 

Find. All right. I'll be on hand just like a sore thumb. 

Holmes. Be careful then, no blundering. [Exit r. u. e.] 

Find. [Looking (iffer Holmes.] Holmes, you're one of the 
smartest men on earth— in your mind — you don't beat around the 
bush, you pluck it up by the roots, you do. You remove the 
cause to stop the effect and go in for the kind of prohibition that 
prohibits. [Takefi another flask from pocket.] But like the 
other innocent reformers, you didn't calculate on the blind pig. 
Here's your health Holmesy, old boy. [Drinks.] This is a regular 
kindergarten object lesson on the theory and practice of temper- 
ance reform in Iowa. [Franz, enters i.. 2 e. disguised as a girl.] 
I'll get it copyrighted. [Drinks.] Now for the kid. No blunder- 
ing. [E.rit R. 2 E., stage darkened.] 

Franz. [Come down and irafclies him off.] Vhat a peautiful 
load dot feller is gettin'. I vish I had half his complaint. 
[ Laughter heard off r.] 

Holmes. [Re-enters r. u. e.] They are playing hide and seek 
on the lawn. This is Findham's opportunity, confound him, 
where is he? \Sees Franz.] Hello, who are you, my girl? 
[Comes don-n.\ 

Franz. |c. | I vas de new nurse girl. 

Holmes, [r. c.I Did you meet a young man here just now? 

Franz. Vhat you take me for, a masher? I don't go meeting 
young mans. 

Holmes. [LooA.s- at Franz, closelij. Aside.] Good heavens. 
[IStartled.] She is the very picture of (xretchen! I never saw 
such a likeness. 

Franz. Vhat scares you? I don't bite. 

Holmes. Tell me, my girl, where are you from, what is your 
name? 

Franz. Oh, go vay — you vant to flirt mit me. 

Holmes. Tell me— what's your name? 



38 THE MEKKV COBBLER 

Franz. Oh, quit now — don't make a foolishment mit me. I 
believe yon vas a masher your own self. 

Holmes* You're a mighty pretty girl, at all events. 

Franz. You make me blush when you look at me so funny and 
say such a tings like dot. 

Holmes. [Goes-R. AskJe.] That's the idea! If I can only get 
this girl to impersonate Gretchen it will save all trouble and if 
she's intelligent enough to be properly coached, none of even 
Gretchen's intimate friends will suspect the trick. Its worth 
trying. {Ahmd.] What did you say your name was? [Uj^ i<> 
Franz.] 

Franz. I didn't say anyting, aber dey call me Lena. 

Holmes. And what part of Germany did you come from, 
Lena? 

Franz. Chermany? How did you gess I vas a Cherman? 

Holmes. By your beautiful blue eyes and flaxen hair. How 
long have you been over? 

Franz. About seven weeks. 

Holmes. Where are you from? 

Franz. I vas from Frankfort Sissige. 

Holmes. [Aside.] Good. So far away from Berlin that it is 
unlikely any of her friends will see and recognize her. [Alo}id.\ 
Would you like to have a whole lot of money. Lena? 

Franz. Dot's for vhy I come bei America mit a steamboat 
vich makes me so sick — ach himmel — how I vas sick! 

Holmes. Do you know how much a thousand dollars is? 

Franz. Silver or gold? 

Holmes. You're all right. How long would it take you to 
save up that much? 

Franz. [Co nnts on fingers.] About a hundred years if I'm 
in luck and get a raise of wages. 

Holmes. Come here my girl and I'll tell you how to get it in 
two months. 

Franz. Vhat! A whole tousand dollars? Go vay ! [Cro.s.se.s k.] 
Perhaps you tink I vas a bigger fool dan I look like, aber nicht. 

Holmes. I am in earnest. All you have to do is to go back to 
Germany with me to Berlin and pretend you are somebody else. 

Franz. How can I do dot vhen I ain't somebody else? 

Holmes. You will have beautiful silk dresses and diamonds. 

Franz. And a sealskin cape? 

Holmes. Yes, anything you want. 

Franz. Mein gracious! How nice I will look in a silk drees 
mit a long tail and a seal skin cape. 



THE MERRV COBBLER 39 

Holmes. You have only to do what I tell you and you shall 
have all that and more. 

Franz. I'll do dot, for diamonds and sealskins. I'd pretend I 
vas de king of der Cannibal Islands. Say, how large is dem dia- 
monds? So big vie a penny? 

Holmes. No, only about as big as a three cent piece. 

Franz. Come on, ve start now, right avay, quick. [Takefi fiis 
arm and pulls him. 

Holmes. Wait a minute— wait a minute. [Taken card from 
case.] Come to that address tomorrow morning at ten o'clock and 
I will tell you all about this matter. 

Franz. I'll be dere, sure — at ten o'clock. Tomorrow is my day 
out, yah. 

Holmes. Now be careful you don't say a word to anybody 
about this matter. Don't let anyone see that card. If you do, 
you'll never wear sealskin and diamonds. 

Franz. You pet your neck nobody sees it. 

Holmes. Lena, you're a peach. [Kisses Franz.] 

Franz. Oh, you vicked man. [Going r. 2 e. Aside.] Now I 
get mein eyes on de odder willain. Oh, vhat a pair of canary 
birds dey are. [Exit.] 

Holmes. She will look like a living picture of Gretchen when 
she's i)roperly dressed and the fortune is now within my grasp, 

Gretchen. [Enters r.. i. e. made up to loolx- as much like Franz 
as possible. Poorlij clad and with a. shawl throirn over her 
head. RolmeH does not hear her Iwt stands looking off R. 2 e. 
Grretchen speaks and he faces her.] At last! [Chord. She 
speaks u-'th a slight Geymian assent.] 

Holmes, [k. c] My God! Gretchen, you here! 

Orel. fc. Plaintive music] Yes, Maurice Stanton, I have 
found you at last. Look at me, look upon the wreck of your once 
happy and trusting Gretchen. You wretch! Not content with 
abandoning me to starve, you have robbed me of my child! 
Where is she? Tell me where you have hidden her or as sure as 
there is a heaven above us I will kill you. [Drairs dagger.] 

Holmes. Hush, (iretchen, hush. Do not raise a disturbance 
here or you will ruin my last opportunity of becoming rich -do 
you hear me — rich and honestly so. 

Grret. Honestly so— you? Bali! 

Holmes. I confess 1 have been wrong— cruel — wicked— but I 
will atone for the past. 

Gret. Atone for the past! Y^ou swindler — robber — cheat! 
Can you atone for my years of agony and grief? For the hunger 
and cold 1 have suffered, for the months 1 passed amid the 



10 THE MEKKA" COi^BEEK 

shrieks and cursings of the maniacs among whom they thrust me 
after you had torn my little one from me? They said I was mad. 
[Cr-osaes R.] — and 1 was — driven mad by you, Maurice Stanton. 

Hulmes. They poisoned my mind against you and I believed 
you false, Gretchen. That is why 1 took her from you. When I 
discovered the truth I sought you in vain — you had disappeared. 

(iret. That is a lie. You never even accused me. 

Holmes. It is the truth, I swear it. [Walks over l.] 

iirei. [Taking c] I don't believe you. You deserted me be- 
cause you found me a drag and a burden on you when I refused 
to become an accomplice in your swindling schemes. At first 
love blinded me to your true character, but when the scales 
dropped from my eyes and I saw you as you are, I loathed and 
despised you. Now give me back my child and I will consider it 
a boon from heaven if I never see your evil face again. Where is 
she? 

Holmes. Far enough from here to be out of your reach. 
[Crosses r.] 

Gret. [c] Tell me where she is or I shall proclaim myself to 
these friends of yours as the wronged wife of one of the most un- 
scrupulous scoundrels outside of the penitentiary. 

Holmes. [Threateningly up to her.] You defy me, do you? 
Whom do you propose to prove yourself? 

Gret, Gretchen Stanton, your lawful wife. I have my wed- 
ding certificate. 

Holmes. You force the truth from me by your threats. You 
are not and never were my wife. 

Gret. Not his wife! This is some trick. 

Holmes. [Taking c] My name is Holmes, not Stanton. 1 
married you under an assumed name and the ceremony w^as not 
legal. Proclaim yourself, if you choose — they will laugh at you. 
On the other hand if you vt'ill leave this place peaceably and see 
me tomorrow, I will tell you where to find your child. Raise a 
disturbance and imperil either my safety or my prospects and you 
shall never see her again. 

Gret. [Aside.] Not his wife! Not his wife! Merciful heaven 
is my reason again deserting me? 

Holmes. [Aside.] She hesitates — she weakens — the game is 
mine. 

Gret. I accept your terms; but if you are deceiving me, be- 
ware! Restore to me my child and for her sake I will not molest 
you further. [Crosses r.] But as surely as you attempt treachery 
so surely will I tell the police where to find the president of the 
Colorado Silver Investment Company. There are three indict- 



THE MP:RRY cobbler 41 

ments hanging over the head of Maurice Stanton for his ehare in 
that rascally swindle. Beware! [Eccit l. i. k.] 

Holmes. She has no suspicion of where Leila is, and so long 
as I can keep them separated, I can compel her silence by th reats 
or coax it by promises. I wonder if that nigger is on the alert? 
[Exit R. u. E. Leila screams off r. 2 e. Hurry music to curtain.^ 

Leila. Let me go ! Let me go ! 

Find. [Staggers on r. 2 e. ivith Leila in his arms, screaming. 
Puts hand over her mouth.] Shut up, you little imp*. 

[Stella, Carlotta, Col. Derroni, Rosalie and Children enter r. 
2 E. Holmes and Bob enter r. u. e. Franz, still disguised, runs 
on L. 2 E. behind Findliam, lifts the child out of his arms and 
puts her behind him icith l. hand drawing gun with r. hand. 
This must be done very quickly, all the action taking place sim- 
ultaneously. The climax must be very carefully rehearsed.] 

Franz. Stand back! Attempt to hurt so much as vone hair of 
dot liddle vone's haid und you'll tink de Fourth of Chuly has 
proken loose. Dot's de kind of a saur-kraut I am. 

Curtain. 
Bob, Holmes. 

Leila. 
Findham, Franz. 

Derrom. 
Rosalie. 

Children. 
Charlotta. 
Stella. 



ACT IV. 

[Handsome drawing room, in Col. Berrom's house. Boxed 
scene. Center door or archway icith port iers. Doors n. and i.. 
in box. Table iritJi cover on, down ]j. c. chairs. Arm chair 
downc. Carpet dow)i, rugs, chairs, bric-a-brac, etc. At rise 
Col. I>eri'om ivith document in hand, enters r. door with 
Holmes.) 

Berrom. You were indeed fortunate in finding this marriage 
(certificate, my dear boy. [Exa mines docume ut . Seats liimself at 
fable down l.] 

Holmes. [Sitting in arm chair r.] Yes. If I had not wanted 



42 THE MERKV COBBLER 

to use that old trunk and so turned the contents out on the floor, 
I should never have discovered it. 

Derrom. Well, armed with this and the certificate of Franz 
Von Altenheim's death, nothing on earth can upset your title to 
the estate of the late scientist . 

Holmes. How about that Quintillion Mining stock? I see by 
tonight's paper, that a new lead has been struck and that pros- 
pects are very bright. [Taken iieivspajwr from table and haiids 
it foDeiTom who put h on glasses and reads. Holmes stands be- 
side Derrom and 2wints to article, looking over his shoulder.] 
You see it is by telegraph from their special correspondent at 
Butte, Montana. [Goes l. Aside.] It cost me a cool hundred 
dollars to get that bogus dispatch printed, but if Lemoine and 
Derrom bite on the strength of it, it will have proved cheap 
enough. 

Derrom. Um — ah — [reads.] — "One of the richest leads ever 
struck in this country has just been found in the Quintillion 
Mine. Sales are reported today at 57, which is higher than the 
stock has ever stood." 

Holmes. [Leans against r. cor. of table.] Fortune seems to 
smile on me just liow, for as you know I hold 2,000 shares of the 
stock. However, as I shall need some ready money for my trip 
abroad, I w ill let you and Lemoine have a thousand at today's 
quotation provided you close the denl tonight. 

Derrom. [Rises.] Well, if this news is correct, that is very 
handsome of you. — Let me see. [Figure,^ on paper.] That calls 
for a check of $57,000. I can't raise so much without Lemoine's 
help, but if he is willing to make the deal I'll go into it with him. 
Just wait here a few minutes and I'll go over and see him. 
[Goes L.] 

Holmes. [Follows l.] Suppose I go with you? He may 
need information and a good many points that I have at the tip 
of my tongue. 

Derrom. That's a good suggestion. Come this way. [E.ril 
2(nth Holmes l. d.1 

Franz. [Pokes Iris head tJnongh pojtiers, candD.] Peekaboo. 
Mr. Holmes — I vas right next to you. [Throws back portiers and 
enters with Stella,] Now you see what a rascal that feller is? 
He don't vant much — he only vants feefty-sefen tausand dollars 
for mining stock vich is vorth about feefty-sefen tausand cents. 

Stella. But how do you know this, Franz? 

Franz. Hush — don't say a vord. Don't you know I vas dot 
willian's promised vife? Ha, ha, ha! He has no secrets from his 
vife, you know and he tells me all about de racket dis morning. 



THE MEKRV (X)BBLER 43 

He's so stuck on me, clot he yifes me tree liundred dollars to buy 
new dresses and such a tings. How do you like my new suit? A 
nice tailor-made suit, lie tells me, is vat 1 vant, so I buy me dis. 

Stella. How surprised he will be when he finds how implicitly 
you have obeyed his instruction. [Sits in arm chair c] 

Franz. [Leaning against tabl(\[ Veil, rodder. But choost 
vait and if I don't start dot chendleman on de road to de peni- 
tentiary tonight, his name is Yohann and he's a snuerkraut. 

Stella. What did you do with the detective? 

Franz. Scared him pooty near to death and den pulled his 
leg. He will be a vitness against Mr. Holmes vhen ve get pefore 
a chudge and chury. Vone ting dere is vich I couldn't pick out 
of eider of dem. 

Stella. What is that? 

Franz. Vhy for dey vanted to steal dot child, She's a peaudi- 
ful shild, aber I don't see vhat Holmes vanted mit her. How 
could he use her in his business? 

Stella. What is his business? 

Franz. Schwindlin'. 

Stella. [Rises.] Rest assured, we will get to the bottom of 
that; don't you think we are wasting valuable time? Carlotta 
will be here soon and then— then— oh, well, you understand. 

Franz. Yah — 1 understand [Puts In's am) around her.] Two 
was gompany and three's a whole shootin' match — ain't it? Veil! 
Veil! Veil! Ah! Stella, ven I tink dot you bin de daughter of a 
rich man it makes me feel frightened dat you have given de sweet 
flower of your lofe to a poor fellow like me. 

Stella. Why dear? What should frighten you? Vou are 
poor, it is true, but I shall share your poverty- yes— and I will 
work too if you cannot earn enough for both. No matter how 
poor we may be, no murmur or complaint shall ever pass my 
lips. 

Franz. My noble, beautiful Stella! [Tak-es her in his arms.] 

Stella. There is only one thing I ask. 

Franz. Name it, and if you ask for the earth 1*11 find some way 
to get for you. 

Stella. I only ask that you will never love me any less than 
you do now. 

Franz. Dis is raein answer to dot, [Kisses Jiei-.] 

Car. [Enters c. d.] Excuse me. [Tnriis ilter back.] It is all 
over. [Tyrns and comes dotvn.] I really didn't intend to intrude 
but what is the meaning of Franz being here? Has Ihe Colonel 
relented? [Franz places arm chair and Carlotta sits. Franz 
leans against table l,.] 



44 THE MERK^ COBBLER 

Stella, [r. c] Not yet, but we've made up our minds to get 
married and we are going to brave papa's wrath by telling him so 
tonight, aren't we Franz? 

Franz. Yah — you vas goin' to do de tellin' while I back vou 
up. Next ting I introduction of your fodder's shoe maker to 
mein tailor. Und mein gracious! Vhat heavy boots he has got 
on tonight. I tell you vot, you chust coax him to put on his 
slippers before he ses me. 

Stella and Car. [Laugh.] Ha, ha, ha! 

Car. The Colonel and Mr. Holmes are with papa. They are 
talking business— something about mining stock, outside on the 
verandah. 

Franz. Yah — feefty-seven tausand dollars vorth of schwindle. 
I know all about dot. Say, dey might come in here— I tink ve 
better take a valk — come along quick— 1 tell you someting. [Ejc. 
iriih Stella and Carlotta v. door. Dd'roni (in<f Holmes pnfer i.. 
door. Franz listens, c. d.J 

Holmes. That arrangement will l^e (juite satis^factory, Colonel. 
You sign an agreement tonight to purchase the thousand shares 
and let me have a check for the amount before the bank closes 
tomorrow. 

Derrom. Certainly, certainly. Til jj^ive you a check for 
$5,000 on account to bind the bargain. [Sits at t(d>le and irrit('s.\ 

Holmes. [Ooes r.] That is more than satisfactory, Colonel. 
[Aside.] I'll cash that check early in the morning. In case of 
any trouble from Gretchen, Lena and I (•i\n take the first train 
for New York and this money will l)e ample for our journey to 
Berlin. 

Derrom. Here is the memorandum. See if it is all right? 
[Holmes crosses and takes 2^apfr.] 

Holmes, [t.. c] There isn't a fault to find. [Glaitolng over 
2}aperi\ 

Derrom. [Rises and hands check. Franz enters c] And 
here is the check. That I know is all righti [.4.s- he hands c?Leck, 
Holmes takes it with same hand as that in irhich he holds paper. 
Franz step)S between them and snatches both papers, tears them 
to pieces and throu's them in H's/ace.] 

Holmes, [r.] The cobbler. What does this mean? 

Franz, [c] It means dot you vas der biggest confidence man 
outside de penitentiary. It means that you are trying to swindle 
dis old chentleman and his friend out of feefty-sefen tausand dol- 
lars. It means that you are crooked enough to be der past presi- 
dent for der Ram's Horn club, vich is composed of all der crook- 
edest people on earth. 



THE MERRV COBBLER 45 



Holmes. [Crosses r.. lo Derroiii.] The fellow is evidently 
crazy. Colonel. Tiie beist tiling' we can do is to send for an officer 
and liave liim removed. 

Franz. Don't get in a peiispiration about de otficer — yoi '11 see 
him pefor you vant him, I pet you. 

Holmes. Have I your permission, Colonel, to kick this insult- 
ing rascal out of the house? 

berrom. Well, no. [Croases u.] Not till I hear upon what 
grounds he makes these charges. 

Holmes. What! Y'ou surely will not listen to him for a mo- 
ment! Is it likely that I, heir to the Altenheim property, with 
the legal proofs of my claim lying on that table, would lend my- 
self to any such wild swindling scheme as this Dutch rascal has 
charged me with? It is preposterous. 

Frauz. [Aside.] Mem Gott! He said Altenheim! Can it be 
dot die is de man I bin hunting for so long? [Aloud.] You say 
you bin de heir to de Altenheim property. I vas Franz Alten- 
heim's best friend yet I never did here him mention your name. 

Holmes. I don't believe you ever saw Franz Altenheim. 
[Takes paper from table.] This wedding certificate proves that I 
was his brother-in-law% married to his sister Gretchen. — [Hands 
paper to Franz.] 

Franz. [Luokiuy at dac anient.] Married! Gretchen married 
to Holmes, Morris Holmes? 

Holmes. You hold the proof of that and again you show that 
your acquaintance with Franz Altenheim is a mere pretense. 
Those papers there prove the death of my wife and her child. 

Franz. Dead? Mein liddle Gretchen dead? Oh, mein liebe 
sch wester. [Droits into arm ehair overeonie with emotion.] 

Holmes. [Aside.] His sister! [ReeoiJsdovn to l,. corner.] 

Oret. [Enters c. ic/f/i Leila.] That is a cruel lie! [Comes 
down c". Stella enters c. d. with Rosalie and Carlotta.] 

Holmes and Franz. [Who rises.] Gretchen! 

Oret. [Holding out arms appeal in g I y.] Franz, my brother. 

Franz. My liddle Gretchen! [Goes toward, her, stops and 
turns sadli/ awai/.] Aber nicht! You are not mein liddle 
Gretchen, for dere beside you stands an innocent shild vich is de 
proof of your shame and disgrace— Oh, Gretchen, Gretchen! 
[Flings himself into arm chair e. covers face with his hands and 
sobs.] 

Oret. Franz — upon my soul, I say that is not true. [Kneels 
and takes his hand.] 

Franz. I vish I could belie\'e dot— but I can't. 

Gret. You must, you shall see, on my knees I swear that I am 



46 THE MERRY COBBLER 

a lawful wife and here is the proof. [Takes paper from bosom 
and haiuh it.] 

Fraiii-. Dere is Bometing de matter mit mein eyes — I can't 
hardly see— read me dot. Stella. 

Stella, (r. c. Heads.] "I hereby certify that on the fourth 
day of April, 1884, in the city of Antwerp, I did solemnize a mar- 
riage, the contracting parties being Maurice Stanton and Gretchen 
Altenheim. Signed, (iotlieb Neddinger, pastor." 

Franz. [Rai.^ies Jier.] Gretchen— forgive me — forgive your 
bruder his, cruel, wicked doubts. [Endyraces her.] Leila — come 
and kiss your onkle vich is also your Liber Franz. [Kisses Leila.] 

Derrom. [l,.] So sir, these so-called proofs are forgeries, as 
this event proves. You shall pay dearly for them. [Lays hands 
on Holmes.] 

Franz, (c.l Chust hold him a minute, Colonel, till I find out 
vone ting. Gretchen, vhere is dis man Stanton vich married 
you ? 

Gret. [k. c] There he stands under the name of Holmes. 

Holmes. That is my true name. [Goes c] Stanton was merely 

assumed, the marriage was not legal and your brat there is a 

[Before he can finisJi Franz chokes him, forcing him to his 
knees.] 

Franz. You most inhuman beast. Vould you try to bring 
shame upon your own liddle innocent shild? 

Rosalie, [r. c. goes to Holmes.] Oh, you monster. I always 
knew you were a bad one, but 1 never thought you were so low 
down, sneaky and detestable as that. [Di^ops down to r. corner. 
Holmes }-ises. Franz, Oretclien and Leila grouped, l. c] 

Derrom. [c] Your law is all wrong, you pitiful scoundrel. 
The fact that you were rascal enough to marry this poor girl 
while sailing under false colors, does not make the ceremony^illegai. 
That is the law. [Holmes drops down to r. corner.] 

Rosalie. [Rons to v. \^. and beckons. Officer enters.] Do you 
see that clandy dude down there? [ Up c. Derrom walks over to H.] 

Officer. Yis ma'am. 

Rosalie. Are you a friend of mine? 

Of. Indade I am. 

Rosalie. And you'll do me a favor? 

Of. Tin of them, ma'am. 

Rosalie. Then take him to the station house and on the way 
crack his heels against the back of his head till you break his 
neck. 

Of. I will that, ma'am. 

Franz, [l. v.] I charge him mit forgery, obtaining money 



THE MERIiV COBBLER 47 

under false pretenses and alien. piy(i bri^iuiiy. Jfn tried to marry 
meinschweeriiear. vhile i.o vas lue ii bruder-in-law alretty and 
)h8 vife vas litinj^'. « 

Of. Come on, oura that. [Handcuffs Holmea.] 

Franz, i vish you had a couple of chains or a clothes line so 
he couldn't get avay. How vould it do to put him in a barrel and 
nail on der head? 

Of. If he ^'ets away from uie I'll i,nve you ma month's pay that 
1 dhraw next Ohoosda. [7V> lioimes,] Come on now, where's 
his hat? 

Ros. I'll get it. [Gets hat.] 

Holmes. Officer will you oblige me by straightening my hat? 
[Officer doea no.] Thanks— awfully— I bid you all good evening — 
ta. ta. By the way, I have a pair of shoes that need mending and 
if Mr. Von Altenheim wll call tomorrow morning, he may have 
the job. 

Franz. I vouldn't take a good deal to miss seeing you tomor- 
row morning in de police court. 

Holmes, I'm sorry I can't stop with you longer, but my 
friend's time is somewhat limited and I know you'll excuse me. 
Hn, ha, ha! Ha, ha, ha! [llosalioyjMfs/?i6' hat on. Exit c. ivith 
Officer.] 

Ros. [Mocking Holmes.] Hh, ha, ha! Now laugh again, will 
you? 

Stella, [l. c] Now papa, not only did Franz save my life 
when the horse ran away, but he has preserved our honor by sav- 
ing me from a bigamous marriage with that wretch. 

Derrom. [uc] My dear, I fully appreciate Mr. Altenheim at 
his true value and if sometime in the future, when you are both 
old enough to know your own minds, you should come to me and 
ask for a parental blessing, why, I would most probably grant 
it. 

Franz. Tanks. [SI ictkes hands.] A ber I link ve vas both old 
enough to know, eh, Stella? [Takes Iter around the ivaist and 
ihcfi trhisper^v,.] 

Stella, Yes, and we have concluded to get married two weeks 
from tonigiit, if your honor please. [Courtsey .] 

Franz, [r. c] Oh, vliat's de use of vastin' time? Make 
it a week from yesterday and V)e done mit it. 

Derrom. My dear Altenheim. [Crosses l. to Gretclien and 
Leila.] 

Franz. [Aside.] Hear dot? Now T vas his dear Altenheim. 
A few minutes ag(j 1 vas only a sauerkraut (-obbler. Veil, veil, 



48 THE MERRY COBBLER 

veil — vhat a diH'erence money makes -ain't il' [Aloud.] Mv 
dear Colonel, now dot my schweester and I come into our tortuue, 
I link better 1 j)Ut de Von before ^iiy name, for now mein onkle 
has gone dead 1 binder Baron Von Altenheim, 

DerroiJi. Then 5*11 that remains for me to do is to give my 
consent and say blets you, my children, in tlie f:jood old fashioned 
way. 

Ros. [T]n-()irs back porticrs c, mnl <>f}ur Childroii enter. 
Picture. Franz and Stella c. with VhWdri^n ii. and ].. of them. 
Drrroiii and (iretchen r. Rosalio up l. cj 

Fran/i. Hello liddle vones. Veil, veil, veil, you chust have 
turned up in time to congratutate yourLieber Franz, vich is now 
der happiest man in all de vide, vide vorld. 

Curtain. 



THE DEESTRICK SKULE 

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